Back Again

Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve been away lately because I’ve had my hands full. I had a job. I wanted to write, but after a day of sitting in front of a computer screen, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in front of another one. That has changed I’m afraid. Today I was informed that I have been fired. I have three days left and then it’s over.
I realize that life isn’t fair. I understand that, I do, but I have to say that this is almost criminally unfair to me. I spend 4 years looking for full time employment, I finally find something. The pays no good, but it was close to where I live and it was a very relaxed atmosphere. It was actually not a bad job and 5 months later it’s ripped away from me just like that. Of course in those 5 months, my car insurance has gone up. My phone bill has also increased and I have no idea if my length of employment will qualify me for benefits. Maybe some, but not enough I’m sure. I actually have to re-learn how to live as a jobless person. I forgot what it was like not to have income. I became so used to that bi-weekly paycheck. I was looking forward to this year’s holiday season. I was going to have money to buy gifts. I was going to get into Halloween. I was enjoying being able to splurge a little at the comic book store once in a while. I liked knowing I was able to like a shirt in a store, see that it was maybe ten bucks or so and I could just buy it, guilt free. Now I’m back to worrying over every last dollar. I have to wrestle over a five dollar purchase.
At this point I should say that I am aware there are people out there who are far worse off than myself and if put into perspective, my problems may not be so big. Be that as it may, it makes my pain no less valid. I’ve struggled and fought in ways few could understand just to keep my head above water. How many times do I have to drag myself up only to be slammed back down? How many times do I have to fight this same battle? When will it ever be enough? When will I finally move forward in this world? I’m tired. I’m just so tired struggling just to maintain this Hell I find myself in, and in some cases actually making it worse. Anyone else putting this much into it would be in a very good place by now. I feel like a car stuck in the mud. The wheel spins faster and faster, but I only sink in deeper. If I stop, I go nowhere. There doesn’t seem to be any way to win at this game, but I can’t stop playing. I can’t quit. I wish I could, to be honest, but I can’t. I just think in the universe, effort at some point should be rewarded. I want to cash in now. I don’t know if I can keep doing this over and over. It’s getting tiresome.
Sorry for the downer post, but my head’s in that place. I’ll try to think of something better to write about next time. Promise.

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Work Please

Well, I feel a little bad this week. I kind of flubbed up the other day. I got a call from a perspective employer about a resume I had sent out and I made a fatal mistake. I was honest.

I’m sorry, but it had been a long time since I spoke with someone about a job and this kind of took me by surprise and add on to that the guy asked me one of those questions I hate to be asked. “What kind of work are you looking for?” I’m sorry. My fuses burst when that question surfaces. I know we all should try and strive for a job we want, but right now I’m not living with that reality. The kind of job I’m looking for is the job you’re looking to fill. I don’t care what it says on my resume or what previous positions I’ve held. If I didn’t want that job, I wouldn’t have sent you my resume in the first place. To ask me this question only shows the ignorance of the employer, at least from my point of view. It shows they don’t realize what it’s like out here in the job searchers world. It shows me that they haven’t picked up a newspaper or watched the news in the past 10  years.

The jobs are coming fewer and further between. My unemployment benefits are gone and frankly, I’m skating by right now by the skin of my teeth. I need work. Part time. Full time. Contract. Whatever! I’m not looking for my dream job. In a way, I already have that because I am a writer and that’s something I can do whenever and for as long as I wish, but unless my book sales take a very sharp spike upward, I’m going to need a job to fill in the gaps. Right now I’m looking for a source of financial support. I’m not going to love your company as you do. I’m not going to sacrifice my life for your profit margin. I’m sorry. That’s just not going to happen. I will show up to work and perform my duties as described to me to the best of my abilities. I will arrive on time and stay until the end of the day. I will help with any duties that I can in the course of the day. I will assist you and my co-workers in moving the gears of commerce along as smoothly as possible. I know a lot of experts say that you have to be that golden child in order to get ahead. They say you have to be willing to mortgage your whole life for the sake of the job. It seems like you can’t get a simple entry level position without proving to the employer you are the second coming brought to life. Which I hate.

It feels like the economy has given employers a chance to turn up the tension and by doing so we, the job seekers, are turning on each other and stabbing at each other while the fat cats sit upon their thrones watching the carnage from their safe perches. We seem to be at war with each other, trying to outdo the next guy at every turn for a meager crust of approval.

I wish I could skip out of this  part. I want to just get to the part where people love my work and my books are selling at a steady pace and I have a few solid deals in ink all over town. Or maybe my books become a sensation over in Japan and the craze incubates over there, and comes back over here big time. I’m just tired of this struggling because it seems I’ve been here a few too many times. It’s like I find myself wandering around the same woods and I find the same brief solution but eventually I end up lost all over again. This isn’t working, but I’m not really seeing what could work. Everything fails. I had a good week with my books. An improvement over past performance, but nothing to write home about. I’m kind of hoping that HBO show ‘Looking’ inspires something because I noticed my Jason Of The Valley books were the most popular sellers, I must admit. I hit double digits with the second book in the series, and I’m definitely going to finish the fifth book soon. I just wish things could start going my way. If only for a month or two. A week. Give me one week of good mojo. I guess last week I felt so good because I felt like I was finally winning. Seeing all those new numbers on my revenue page. For a brief moment, I thought I knew what it was like to touch victory and it was good. I want more. I need more. I’m ready for this fuckin’ life of mine to start getting on track!

Let’s hope.

Been awhile.

Wow. It’s been a while since I posted anything. I guess that’s due to how distracted I’ve been. It seems my unemployment insurance has been halted and for the last few weeks I’ve been stressing about what to do. I was led to believe by all the letters I had received up until now that I had at least four extensions, but it seems the government in  their infinite wisdom has decided to throw me to the wolves. It’s a very scary feeling. Working without a net. Everytime I whip out my card to pay for food or gas, I remember how there won’t be any new money coming in. It’s all going out. I’ve gone on financial lockdown.  Cutting corners at every turn. What really makes me mad was not entering a screenplay contest that I was actually pretty excited about entering, but I can’t afford the entry fee. One would argue it would be like betting on yourself to win, and while I appreciate that, I’m not quite that confident yet. Although, it would have been great. I adapted “Spectrum” into a movie and since the contest was specifically for movies with a  gay/lesbian slant, I think it might have done well.

As for the bigger issue of the lack of income, there was some good news. I did secure a  job interview this very week and I think it went well. I’m anxiously awaiting the call for interview #2. That turns out to be even more nerve racking. Every hour, every minute, that ticks by I can’t help but wonder why they aren’t calling. I was confident and well spoken and I did well on the typing test. They have to call back. They have to. I don’t know what I’m going to do if they don’t. I  shot out some other resumes just this morning. This is just so frustrating. It feels like no matter  how many resumes I do send out, it won’t matter. There are just too many people out there in this job market. The competition is just too much for me. I’m just one drop of water standing amongst  tidal wave.

I also have the idea of selling jewelry on Etsy. I’ve been looking into it and I can make simple stud earrings and maybe clear a few bucks, if I’m lucky. I’m starting to think the days of traditional employment are over and that scares me too. It’s all I know, but I guess it’s time to evolve. If I had the money, I’d go back to school, but even with financial aid, it’s way too expensive for me to do that.

Although, as stressed and depressed as I’ve been for the past few weeks, I find right now as I write this, there’s an indefinable optimism bubbling inside of me. I have no idea why, but that little voice in me is saying it’s going to  be all right. Somehow, someway, it’s all going to work out. I have no idea how, but I’m grateful for the brief moment of positivity.

One’s Worth

I was up last night and unfortunately I was thinking. I was thinking about my life and my path and where I am versus where I could be and out of all that big thinking I began to wonder why we as a society place the value of what we do with our lives on the money we receive to do it. Some of the highest paid people out there do horrible things while the lowest do work that brings us all up as people. I mean, I’m doing what I want with my life, but I feel worthless because I have no steady income. I’ve been looking for work for over a year now and I guess getting a job filing  papers will make me feel better about myself than finishing a 30+ chapter book or new script simply because there’s a check in it for me. It’s something we’re conditioned with, I guess, because I really do feel completely worthless without a job to go to. Everyone else goes out and takes on their role as a productive member of society and I’m stuck at home doing my writing, or at least I try. This week has been real bad for me.

This was just something that ran into my brain and forced me to write it out.