Alone

This posting is a little vent. Apologies, but something stuck into my brain today and I feel the need to express.

As I was passing through the crowds today, I looked at them all and I felt as I usually do. I felt as though I didn’t understand them or their way of life. I couldn’t see myself the same way as them. It’s always felt to me as though I’m on some other wavelength away from the rest of the world. It’s like I wake up every day and step into this alien world that I struggle to survive, but have no hope of thriving in. They check all the boxes off their lists and find a life. Maybe not a perfect one, but one that works. They have careers and families and friends. I feel as though I’m simply stumbling through the days faking however I can to pass as one of these people, at least on the surface. I’m a subconscious alien dwelling within a human construct, and once in a while, this consciousness reaches out into the world surrounding me in hopes of finding some relief, or at least another soul that echoes my own hopelessness. Usually only to be rebuffed or eventually rejected because the basic disconnect between me and  the rest of the human race is still there.

I was out at The Abbey tonight with some friends, and that experience seemed to echo this concept, but only more clearly. I looked upon the sea of hot guys. They were happy and seemed to have everything together. They didn’t have jobs, they had careers. There seemed to be no social hurdle in their way. I stood among them, feeling as though I were invisible. I glimpsed this world that I’ve never truly experienced and I ached for it. I just don’t know what in my mind has blocked me from being like them. What In my subconscious won’t allow me this level of existence. I observed the younger ones. They were enjoying themselves, clearing living their lives, trying new things and forging what will be their checkered past, but as I watched them, I realized I never had that time of my life. It either never came or I chose not to live it. And if that were the case, I must say I regret that choice now. It felt as though there was a whole world that  drifted away without me seeing it. Now I can’t even imagine interacting with those people. I can’t see them understanding me, or me understanding them. It’s as though the gap that I inadvertently created has only grown over the years, and it will grow larger and the hope of bridging it will grow dimmer.

I guess this then feeds my feelings about being single. I’m going to say it, I hate being single. I know it’s not cool to say, but I want someone special in my life to share it with. Yes, there was a lot of eye candy at the bar tonight, but I don’t want the trappings of the ‘west hollywood’ lifestyle. At the end of everything, all I really want is a hand to hold. I don’t need, nor want, the Hollywood ideal, but someone I like, who likes me and wants to become a part of my life, as well as make me a part of his. Has this become such an impossible goal? With all the open relationships and what not, it seems like it. I believe in monogamy, I don’t care if there are those who say it isn’t natural, I still believe in it for me. It’s an issue of trust and care and the sacrifice one needs to make for the one they love. No, this isn’t a match.com profile, nor is it a personal ad of any kind. This is just some mental junk that’s been rattling in my brain for far too long. Just had to unburden myself.

Thank you.

Advertisements

Link

#freebookfriday

TGIFBF! This week I offer “Something’s Always Wrong”, the second installment in the Jason Of The Valley series.

After the events of the previous year, Jason is on track to make his movie and reunites with his family. Matt is visited by an old friend from the past which puts a definite strain on his relationship with Jason. Mike and Ivan are enjoying their first year anniversary trip to Europe, until Ivan’s mother shows up and deals a blow that transforms their relationship in a most unexpected way and Ben befriends a new tenant in the building and discovers a connection he was not anticipating. Jason and his friends return for another round of tears and laughter, as well as the surprise wedding everyone’s been waiting for but never thought they’d see. It’s another slice of life and love in The Valley.


First Of 2014

Six days in and my first blog. I figured I should have put something up the first day, but unfortunately I was a bit distracted. It seems my new year started up with a bit of drama. The guy I had been seeing for nearly 2 years pulled a major dick move last month. After claiming I was so important to him and after countless pledges to work on  this relationship, he decided to move on with some new guy and I was the last to know. This caused me great anger, needless to say. After over a year of hearing how busy he was and how impossible it was to spend time together, I turn around and he’s having no problems finding the time to hang out with this new guy. They even ran off to Palm Springs for the weekend after only having met one week earlier. They spent his birthday together. It just boils my blood when I think about it. And this new guy is a step down from me. I’m no narcissist, but I feel I can say confidently I am way better looking than he is so this new match is kind of weird, but after being enlightened to a few other facts I was not aware, I guess it seems he likes bigger guys. I guess that’s good on me. I wasn’t fat enough.

In the long run, I know I’m better off. The relationship wasn’t that great. We hardly saw each other and the more I found out about him, the less I liked honestly. He was a snob and an elitist and he didn’t give a damn about anyone but himself and was proud of that fact. I hate how everyone at my bar thinks he’s this great guy. They only think that because he pays for all the drinks. If they knew who and what he really is, they would be singing another tune, but I can’t be the one to tell them. I don’t want to be ‘that guy’, although I guess I just turned into him because of what I just told you. I forgive myself though. I had to get it out. It feels good to finally say the words.

It was also a bit of my fault too. The moment I chose to accept being the lowest priority in his life, I put the target on my back. I told him that I didn’t care enough about myself to demand more respect than what I deserved. I just don’t know why he let it continue on as he did. He should have broke it off when I said ‘I love you’ to him, but instead he said it back to me. Of course he later claimed that he didn’t remember any of that. Classic deflection. Make me look like the crazy one. I didn’t want to see it, but now I can’t avoid the fact that he was and continues to be a despicable excuse for a human being. He uses and abuses with impunity and after he’s created the catastrophe, he simply walks away, brushing off the dusty and leaving the clean up to everyone else while he continues to party.

I wanted to move forward in my life with him as a partner, but he just wants to stay behind and continue to act like a child. In time, his true nature will be seen and his cover will be exposed and I think by then he’ll be ready to move on to some new place and work his wicked magic once more. I’m not bitter. Don’t think that. I’m actually kind of getting back into the dating scene with a few bright prospects already, but I just want the truth to be known for the official record. I hate when people treat others like garbage and act like it’s fine. It isn’t fine. If you lie, cheat or otherwise betray someone you claim to care about, you should be punished. It’s not fair for only one of you to feel the pain. I can’t physically harm him because he’s not worth going to jail for and there’s nothing I can say to him that will hurt him because he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him. He’s out of reach to me, but that’s not to say I can’t use what resources I have at my disposal to try and attain some measure of peace. This feels good. I’ve gotten a lot of poison out, and I thank those who have read this all.

The news isn’t all bad though. The new year has brought some new sales of my books and a few good reviews for ‘Spectrum’ which now stands at a 4 star status on Amazon. I’m hoping that this will be a continuing momentum into 2014. I even got my first fan letter. It was very exciting. I think maybe this year will be good. I dropped the old garbage and I’ve got some bright prospects to enjoy and my book is slowly moving forward. Things feel kind of right.

Lifting The Fog

This is going to be a very personal post today. Something very bad has happened, and after a week of processing and torturing myself, I need to expel the poison. I don’t know where to start this really. I was just out at the mall and these words came to me. I felt a feeling come over me and I realized what it was. It was the feeling that you believed there was someone out there that cared about you, and then you found out that you were wrong. After more than a year of accepting the faults of this person for the sake of the affection you felt for them, you realize that it was only you feeling those things. You thought in your worst moments that there was small bit of true affection within them and maybe there was. A small bit, but so little that a new infatuation was able to wipe it all away, as though it had never been there in the first place. You find yourself the loser suddenly caught out in the cold with nothing to show for your trouble but an aching heart and a broken smile forced on your face only to show the world that this will not destroy you. After time, you manage to accept and focus on what else is good in your life, but the pain lingers. Such a vicious and cold treatment. I gave nothing but warmth and affection, and in return I’m eased out without even being told. Just pushed aside and ignored. Such actions are less those of a man and more of a monster.

It’s times like this I actually take the most comfort in my comic books and silly things. It may seem odd to the outsider, but for me, when anything has gone wrong in my life and it felt like the world was ending, I could always count on Batman in Gotham or Superman in Metropolis or Spidey in New York or Xavier and his brave X-Men. Superman always saves the day. Batman always defeats the Joker and the world keeps turning and no one can take them from me. It’s steady and reliable, unlike people. They keep me grounded and sane, ironically. This pain will pass I know, and it feels like it has mostly, but I know there will be traces left for some time to come. It’s my mourning period mixed with anger and disappointment. I always wonder though, why am I the one always feeling these things more? Why does it seem that I am the one who gets all the pain in these situations? The other guy just skips off into the sunset with his new man while I’m left to cry into my hands. All I ever wanted was to meet someone who was as excited about me as I was about them. It happens. I’ve had it before and I don’t see why I can’t have it again. I see it happening all around me for other people. What is it about me that forces me into this void where I am neither seen nor heard by the world at large? All I know is I am one of the most genuine hearts that will be experienced and I have been discarded in the most callous and unkind way. I could be consumed with anger. I could wish only to harm and hurt this person out of revenge, but I won’t. It doesn’t serve me to destroy another. I have a big future lining up before my eyes and those who get to join me on the upcoming journey will be fortunate, and those who have chosen to leave will learn regret for that choice.

Pet Peeves 1

Having done my time in the single scene in the past, I have a few irksome issues to vent  off about.

First, I hate profiles that require anyone who responds to ‘take care of their body’. It annoys me because it feels like a mean slam at those of us who aren’t gifted physically. Just because I don’t have six pack abs or pecs of steel doesn’t mean I don’t take care of myself. I exercise. I eat a balanced diet. Some people have body types and other issues that hinder their quest for a more ripped appearance. in my case, my body type holds onto fat and makes it difficult to lose it even with proper exercise and diet. Oh, to be a Mesomorph for a day.

I’m also quite fed up with gay men trying to turn Friends With Benefits into a relationship distinction. FWB is not a relationship status. It’s just a phrase used by men to validate sleeping around but at the same time keeping them out of the relationship sphere. You like the guy. You want to sleep with him, but you’re not totally sure you want to wake up to his face for the rest of your life. Throw FWB onto it and have a ball, right? I’m sorry. If you want to screw around like a frat boy, fine but don’t hang a cut name onto it and act like it’s a  new way of life. I mean, what’s the point of a relationship if you can’t value it? Leaving that door open to come in and out as you please minimizes the relationship and both parties are doomed to feel unsatisfied and eventually part ways.  I’m all for living and experiencing all you can, but at some point we want something more. At least most of us do. For me, I want someone to grow old with. Here’s a sobering thought. When you’re at Target or some other store, look around at the old couples wandering the aisles. Then realize that someday that’s going to be you. I promise. That is where all roads lead. As exciting and thrilling as your life may be now, at some point you’re going to  be one of those rumpled old folks pushing a cart down t he grocery aisle at Wal-Mart looking for the item you have a coupon for. You can’t stop it. It’s going to happen. I’d rather have someone with me at that stage of my life.