As the dwindling lights of 2014 fade, I can feel the optimistic glimmer of 2015 begin to fill my sight. Although, is it a true feeling or my own emotions playing a horrible joke on me as they did the year before this one? 2014 began with heartbreak and abysmal betrayal and while I’d like to say it got better after that, it really didn’t. I’m afraid I’ve had to file 2014 as one of the worst years of my life to be honest, and in continued honesty, 2015 doesn’t hold much promise either. I’m tired of proclaiming that next year is going to be my year. The last ten years have been my years, yet they haven’t been at all, so I have given up the pretense and have decided to accept the fact that this year will be just as all the others before it.
However, this year I opted out of any parties or festivities in favor of a quiet night alone. I did not do this out of self pity or depression, I simply chose to spend my new year’s eve in the quiet solitude of my room. I didn’t feel like celebrating this past year and I have little enthusiasm to ring in this new one as well. Okay, I can see how that can be seen as self pity, but I swear to you it’s not. I guess in a way, I chose to do something different maybe in some kind of hope that if I do different things, different things will happen. Even if that different thing is boring as Hell. I wish all who bother to read this blog a safe and happy new year, of course, and I guess there is still that little voice in the back of my mind that urges me on to hope that this year will, indeed, be different. The little bugger just refuses to go away. Let’s hope that this year, at very long last, it will be right.
Happy new year, everyone!

First Of 2014

Six days in and my first blog. I figured I should have put something up the first day, but unfortunately I was a bit distracted. It seems my new year started up with a bit of drama. The guy I had been seeing for nearly 2 years pulled a major dick move last month. After claiming I was so important to him and after countless pledges to work onĀ  this relationship, he decided to move on with some new guy and I was the last to know. This caused me great anger, needless to say. After over a year of hearing how busy he was and how impossible it was to spend time together, I turn around and he’s having no problems finding the time to hang out with this new guy. They even ran off to Palm Springs for the weekend after only having met one week earlier. They spent his birthday together. It just boils my blood when I think about it. And this new guy is a step down from me. I’m no narcissist, but I feel I can say confidently I am way better looking than he is so this new match is kind of weird, but after being enlightened to a few other facts I was not aware, I guess it seems he likes bigger guys. I guess that’s good on me. I wasn’t fat enough.

In the long run, I know I’m better off. The relationship wasn’t that great. We hardly saw each other and the more I found out about him, the less I liked honestly. He was a snob and an elitist and he didn’t give a damn about anyone but himself and was proud of that fact. I hate how everyone at my bar thinks he’s this great guy. They only think that because he pays for all the drinks. If they knew who and what he really is, they would be singing another tune, but I can’t be the one to tell them. I don’t want to be ‘that guy’, although I guess I just turned into him because of what I just told you. I forgive myself though. I had to get it out. It feels good to finally say the words.

It was also a bit of my fault too. The moment I chose to accept being the lowest priority in his life, I put the target on my back. I told him that I didn’t care enough about myself to demand more respect than what I deserved. I just don’t know why he let it continue on as he did. He should have broke it off when I said ‘I love you’ to him, but instead he said it back to me. Of course he later claimed that he didn’t remember any of that. Classic deflection. Make me look like the crazy one. I didn’t want to see it, but now I can’t avoid the fact that he was and continues to be a despicable excuse for a human being. He uses and abuses with impunity and after he’s created the catastrophe, he simply walks away, brushing off the dusty and leaving the clean up to everyone else while he continues to party.

I wanted to move forward in my life with him as a partner, but he just wants to stay behind and continue to act like a child. In time, his true nature will be seen and his cover will be exposed and I think by then he’ll be ready to move on to some new place and work his wicked magic once more. I’m not bitter. Don’t think that. I’m actually kind of getting back into the dating scene with a few bright prospects already, but I just want the truth to be known for the official record. I hate when people treat others like garbage and act like it’s fine. It isn’t fine. If you lie, cheat or otherwise betray someone you claim to care about, you should be punished. It’s not fair for only one of you to feel the pain. I can’t physically harm him because he’s not worth going to jail for and there’s nothing I can say to him that will hurt him because he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him. He’s out of reach to me, but that’s not to say I can’t use what resources I have at my disposal to try and attain some measure of peace. This feels good. I’ve gotten a lot of poison out, and I thank those who have read this all.

The news isn’t all bad though. The new year has brought some new sales of my books and a few good reviews for ‘Spectrum’ which now stands at a 4 star status on Amazon. I’m hoping that this will be a continuing momentum into 2014. I even got my first fan letter. It was very exciting. I think maybe this year will be good. I dropped the old garbage and I’ve got some bright prospects to enjoy and my book is slowly moving forward. Things feel kind of right.