Rules Of The American Douche Bag 3

In out last installment we discussed how the ADB is charitable enough to share the essence of what they are with the rest of the world via spitting, today begins an examination of the vehicular traits of the ADB.

Principle #3

Go ahead and take that extra space.–

We’ve seen it a thousand times. Someone parked over the line in such a way that their car takes up two spaces. Sometimes they are straight in sitting over the middle lines, or they are parked diagonally with the rear end in one space and the front end in the other. Well, of course it makes us angry, but who can blame them? They have to protect those sweet rides. Whether it’s a brand new Mercedes SUV or a beat up pick up truck, that is a grade A piece of machinery and any measures taken to protect it are justified. Just by being owned by an ADB, that car is more valuable than yours, even with your kids inside of it. They are the brave pioneers who discovered this revolutionary method by which to protect their cars from us thoughtless peasants.

The Rules Of The American D-Bag

They’re everywhere. They come in all shapes and sizes. They’re on the roads, in our workplaces and even in our own homes. The American D-Bag could be anyone or anything. They are a special breed. To the outside world they are obnoxious, irritating jerks, but in their own minds they are gods among us. They are the chosen ones. You can tell by how they act as though they own everything in sight or how they seem totally oblivious to the world around them, simply because their time is too precious to waste on the lesser beings they have been forced to live with. But what makes a D-Bag? They aren’t just born. They are bred. They are crafted like a fine microbrew beer.

Based only on my casual observations, I shall offer up some of what I believe to be principles of being a D-Bag. Where shall we begin? How about principle #1? Sounds good.

Principle # It doesn’t matter if the clothes are ugly, as long as they’re expensive.

We’ve all seen them at the mall. The 40 year old frat boys running around in their ripped jeans, distressed T’s and backward baseball caps. They look like they got dressed in a Goodwill shop, but thing again. Looking that douchey comes at a steep price. Take a closer look and you’re sure to find a label from Abercrombie & Fitch (the official outfitter of all douchebags) somewhere in their ensemble. Everyone knows good clothes are never on sale. The rags selling for 20% off are clearly insufficient. The stores never put the good stuff on sale. Check out that patchwork denim jean jacket for $300. That’s style! If it cost less than thirty dollars, it doesn’t belong on your body; and that includes underwear.