Frustration

Now that I’m without a net (Thanks a heap state of CA. YOU SUCK EDD!!!) I am in need of a source of income ASAP. So I need to accomplish in the immediate future what I haven’t been able to over the past year. Find a job. People have said the market has been improving, but I’m not seeing it. I have a college degree and a lot of experience with a lot of different skills, but despite all that, there just aren’t that many jobs available. Every day I check the boards and find nothing. What few jobs I find that are within my scope, I send out my application/resume but days drag by and every day that phone doesn’t ring, I get closer to a totally uncertain future. I’m just at that point where I don’t know what to do. I feel like tearing my hair out sometimes. I feel like my hands are tied and my whole world is on shaky ground. I need work and I need it now. I don’t have time to wait any longer. I know I’m not the only one in this boat, but just the same. Sometimes I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like my life is coming apart at the seams. It puts a lot more  pressure on the success of my upcoming book. I’m reminded that the book is coming out in November and that’s great, but what am I going to do between now and then? What if it flops? I mean, I hope it doesn’t, but it’s a possibility. And even if it’s a smash hit(Hoping) that doesn’t do any good to me now. I can’t pay my rent with future earnings. I’ve even started to sell stuff on Etsy. I make earrings. A friend of mine sells his stuff on Etsy and he does great. I don’t try to do it on the scale he does it, I just need a little extra income. Maybe if I do well with it I might expand, but that’s too far away to worry about now.

I just go to bed every night with all this stress, but despite that, I try to convince myself that the next day will be better, but so far I have been wrong. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I think the worst of it is how much I hate feeling like I can’t support myself or manage my own life. I feel like less of a man, to be honest. I hate everything about this situation I’m in. And I hate the fact that I can’t really do anything to change it. All I can do is work through it and keep pushing forward. But for how much longer?

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Been awhile.

Wow. It’s been a while since I posted anything. I guess that’s due to how distracted I’ve been. It seems my unemployment insurance has been halted and for the last few weeks I’ve been stressing about what to do. I was led to believe by all the letters I had received up until now that I had at least four extensions, but it seems the government in  their infinite wisdom has decided to throw me to the wolves. It’s a very scary feeling. Working without a net. Everytime I whip out my card to pay for food or gas, I remember how there won’t be any new money coming in. It’s all going out. I’ve gone on financial lockdown.  Cutting corners at every turn. What really makes me mad was not entering a screenplay contest that I was actually pretty excited about entering, but I can’t afford the entry fee. One would argue it would be like betting on yourself to win, and while I appreciate that, I’m not quite that confident yet. Although, it would have been great. I adapted “Spectrum” into a movie and since the contest was specifically for movies with a  gay/lesbian slant, I think it might have done well.

As for the bigger issue of the lack of income, there was some good news. I did secure a  job interview this very week and I think it went well. I’m anxiously awaiting the call for interview #2. That turns out to be even more nerve racking. Every hour, every minute, that ticks by I can’t help but wonder why they aren’t calling. I was confident and well spoken and I did well on the typing test. They have to call back. They have to. I don’t know what I’m going to do if they don’t. I  shot out some other resumes just this morning. This is just so frustrating. It feels like no matter  how many resumes I do send out, it won’t matter. There are just too many people out there in this job market. The competition is just too much for me. I’m just one drop of water standing amongst  tidal wave.

I also have the idea of selling jewelry on Etsy. I’ve been looking into it and I can make simple stud earrings and maybe clear a few bucks, if I’m lucky. I’m starting to think the days of traditional employment are over and that scares me too. It’s all I know, but I guess it’s time to evolve. If I had the money, I’d go back to school, but even with financial aid, it’s way too expensive for me to do that.

Although, as stressed and depressed as I’ve been for the past few weeks, I find right now as I write this, there’s an indefinable optimism bubbling inside of me. I have no idea why, but that little voice in me is saying it’s going to  be all right. Somehow, someway, it’s all going to work out. I have no idea how, but I’m grateful for the brief moment of positivity.