Open Letter To All Single Gay Men

Hey guys,

As one of those terminally single dudes out there, I must say the practice of seeking a mate or sexual partner is hard and often wears down the old self-esteem, but there are times when I see the humor of it as well. My most favorite thing is the observation that so many of you ‘good looking’ guys out there who live at the gym and ‘take care of your bodies’ are still yourselves single. Your profiles paint a portrait of an intelligent, active go-getter anyone would be proud to date/bed down; but here you are. With me. On Scruff. of Grindr or whatever site or app you use.

I especially love when  you fine fellows complain about the low quality of men (mostly in LA which leads me to think it’s the men in this city particular) and how you will just lose your $#it if you meet another, as you call them, loser. Maybe it’s in the kind of guys you are looking at. Ever think of that? If you shop among douchebags all the time, douchebags are all you’re ever going to find. If you’re just looking for a gym bunny for a quick fix, fine. Go for it. I get it. Douchebags are odd because I don’t think there’s another kind of guy that is so equally hot and revolting at the same time. I want to run them down with my car as much as I want to take them to bed. If you are really earnest about finding a quality guy to date and start that open relationship we all dream about, then maybe you should read on.

Identify who you want. That’s first and foremost. Like shopping at the store, you need a list to shop for a man. What kind of man? A few tips on what is and is not a good sign.

  • Gym Selfie. If the guy you’re looking to talk to has a gym selfie as a profile picture there’s only one thing to do. Run. Just run. This is a guy who lives at the gym and if you don’t worship at the weight rack like he does, it’ll never work out. I also hate how these guys take full credit for their hot bodies, when in reality it’s probably their body type that is the biggest influence in their workouts and when they hit that magic age, it will all go away like magic.
  • Marathon Selfie. Kind of the same thing as above. This guy isn’t a gym rat so much as a lifestyle convert.He’s probably aggressively Vegan and will try to push you over to the green side every chance he gets, even resorting to food shaming. The only thing these guys love is crossing the finishing line.
  • Backwards baseball caps. If your target sports his ball cap backwards then take a few steps back. This is the universal sign of douchebag. Bonus warning if he’s wearing sunglasses AND the baseball cap. That’s just stupid people. That needs to be weeded out right here and now.
  • Faceless profile picture. This barely needs to be mentioned,  but I will say it. Anyone who fails to have a clear face picture on their profile is not a handsome yet discreet man waiting for the right one to come along. There’s no point in discretion on these apps because everyone is in the same boat. If someone from the office sees you on Growlr, then you have as much on him as he does on you.
  • Excessive slang. If the guy’s profile reads like a Rap song, complete with misspellings, keep walking. Remember, this guy composed this profile to read just like that. That’s either how he thinks the world really communicates or that’s really how HE communicates and however down you may be with the thug life, it can wear pretty fast.
  • Open relationship. Not likely that you’re going to reply to someone in an open relationship with the idea it could be more than a hook-up, but just in case here’s a tip. The profiles that go on and on about how great their man is and how happy they are with him is odd. If they’re so happy and in love, what are they doing online looking for a side piece? Keep in mind you are just extra to these guys and are completely disposable to them. They don’t care if they have to cancel or put you off. You aren’t a priority to them. If you don’t mind putting up with that, go for it.
  • Vacation slides. Some guys  put their vacation photos on their profiles and won’t shut up about how they love to travel whenever they can. Must be nice to have that kind of money and flexibility. Most of us in the real world have to work for a living. These are the guys who are all about where they’ve been and will constantly insist they know about something better than anything else. Constantly referencing their past adventures in order to show they are so much more traveled and cultured than you. They’ll ask you why you don’t travel more and be warned; there is no right answer to this. To them there is  no excuse not to travel. Makes me wonder if they are so much happier someplace else, why don’t they live there instead?

If you’re still bitching about all the terrible guys you’re  meeting, try and think about all the guys you reject. There are so many guys out there who I share so many things in common with yet I  never  hear from them when I reach out and that’s because despite our compatible personalities, I don’t look like a porn star. I know. We all want a porn star. Some muscular, handsome specimen who’s always clean down there and ready to go with a ten inch tool (at least) but the reality is beauty fades and we all become average at some point. You might have better luck finding a good man if you open your eyes to what’s inside as well as what’s on the outside. I’m not saying to settle for anyone. Attraction is of course an important component, but try and expand your vision of what is and is  not attractive. Maybe it’s not in the cards for you to have a boyfriend with rock  hard abs, but what good are those abs when you’re sick and you need someone to pamper you to health? Where’s your gym bf going to be when you need him to pick you up from the doctor? I think the best advice to be given would be to give people a break and open yourself up. You have no idea what a person could be to you until you let them be it. You may also want to start actually READING the profiles instead of only judging on the picture.

I hope you got something out of this, but I’m sure this has all fallen on deaf ears. In any case, be safe and have fun out there, boys!

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Pride 2015

Hey there

So, I wound up going to LA Pride this year and I did have a good time. It was the first year I actually had the opportunity to drink, and I have to admit, dealing with the crowds and heat, you really need a few in you. All in all, it was a great day with friends and there was a lot of eye candy to enjoy as well.

Now, that I have said all that, I do have some issues. First, Pride itself feels a little off course. To me, It appears to be more of an excuse for hot guys to strut around all day in G-strings and show off their goods. Secondly, it’s turning into a huge corporate event. I remember the days when there were booths and vendors from local businesses for as far as the eye can see. I guess I’m just disappointed in it because so much of the event is about nearly naked men, and that offends me because it’s like they’re saying that’s all gay men care about. I can’t speak for others, but that’s not what I’m all about. Of course I like to see some nice faces and bodies, but there’s more to me than that. You can’t wave a nice ass and some awesome pecs in front of me and keep me satisfied for long. I heard that Channing Tatum and Matt Bomer rode upon a float in the parade and some of my friends were disappointed they missed it. I am not. Big deal. They showed  up to plug their upcoming Magic Mike movie. It wasn’t out of community support or pride. It was about money and pushing your man candy onto the largest grouping of gay men you can find. Again, I find that offensive. The first Magic Mike movie was terrible. Some nice eye candy, but everything else about it was horrible and I can confidently say I will not be seeing the 2nd film, but I digress.

My point is that this event has become more about money than anything else and there was a day it meant more and was more. Now it’s just becoming a giant commercial and of course there’s plenty of liquor to be had to keep the masses off center and susceptible to their suggestions.

Gay Parents In Risque Occupations

Hello
I recently read an article that tackled the issue of gay men and couples who would like to have kids and they are in, what the article describes as, risqué professions. Now let’s lay our cards on the table here. I’m gay myself, and I am by no means pure as the driven snow, so I’m not passing any kind of criticism of these peoples’ lives. I just had a little problem with the article. More accurately due to how shallow and incomplete it was.
First, the main references in this article were Michael Lucas, of porn fame. The ‘writer’, director, performer and producer of what some could argue are the toppest tier gay porn in the industry today and some bodybuilder by the name of something Melvin. I don’t know. I guess he’s some big deal or something, but he didn’t look like no bodybuilder to me. He was lean and he had a great body and handsome as the day is long, but bodybuilder? Eh. Anyway, I don’t know much about him. I guess he had some nude pics leaked, and now he’s leaking them himself, loud and proud.
The article compared these men wanting to have kids to Playboy models and strippers wanting the same thing. My first issue with the article. How can you make that comparison? Playboy models just pose nude. They don’t actually have sex with anyone on camera and strippers just take their clothes off. Maybe some are porn stars and do have sex on camera, but I hold the same reservation about straight porn stars having kids as gay porn stars. And it’s not about the sex. If I may proceed.
I have orbited around the porn industry here in the good old San Fernando Valley for a long time. I’m not saying that drugs are the rule, but they certainly aren’t the exception. I met people who say that they had directed scenes with a performer who was bombed out on drugs and some who actually performed doped up real good. I have seen some of the porn stars party, both first hand and from eyewitness accounts, and it is as hardcore there as it is on the video screen. No one in the porn industry can look you in the eye and tell you they haven’t had encounters with at least a few types of drugs with a straight face. It’s just part of the culture and industry. Not everyone is an addict and I’m sure there are many who may slip into the exception column and haven’t touched so much as a joint, but I haven’t heard of any yet. In this party culture, it’s hard to compartmentalize your life and keep some aspects from spilling over into others. If it’s just you or you and your partner, you can deal with any drama, but if you have a kid in the mix? No. I can’t sign off on that. Maybe you can put those walls up and keep them safe, but in the case of raising kids, I fail on the side of caution and I seriously consider any cracks in the walls. Especially the cracks in Michael Lucas’ walls. He’s a big player and to get to that position in the industry, you have to play the game well and thoroughly.
Another point in the article these guys made was they wouldn’t raise their kids to be ashamed of their bodies and to be more sex positive. Okay. Fine. Of course, when you’re built like these guys, how could you possibly be ashamed of your body? Look like me and not be ashamed an then we can talk. ANYway, my point is I’m all for being open and honest about sex, at an appropriate age, but from the world of porn? No. Porn isn’t sex. It’s a twisted perversion of the act. It’s a plastic wrapped, choreographed fantasy that doesn’t exist in the real world, no matter how much we wish it did. There have been many studies that have found that porn can actually have a negative effect on ones outlook on sex.
If these guys really want kids, they would have to get out of the porn biz and separate themselves far enough from it so that their children wouldn’t be sucked into it. Children shouldn’t be exposed to a world where people just shed their clothes if they’re left alone for five minutes or just bored. They shouldn’t be in a home where dollars are rolled up into straws routinely. And as I said, these reservations I have are equal to hetero porn performers or any sex workers. Posing nude? Not thrilled, but it’s easy to block that out and keep your kids out of its path. Also, consider stalkers. People can become fixated on porn stars and I’m sure many of them have stalker stories. What if you had a kid and some psycho was lurking outside your home? The child shouldn’t be put in that position in the first place.
The bottom line is if you’re going to have a child and you work in the sex industry, such as it is, you really need to think of the best interests of the child. That’s really true in any situation, but more so here. If you really want that family, I see it as a choice between this career of yours and your child. If you have trouble making that choice, you’re not ready.

A Couple Things

This post may seem a bit rushed and disjointed, but a couple things dawned on me as I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other night. A little explanation first. I gather a lot of stories through my Facebook feed and while most are run of the mill stories there are a few that stand out. Two in particular this past week. First, I read about a pastor in the south, I don’t know his name and frankly, I don’t feel like finding it and giving him a plug, went on record saying that we could have an AIDS free world by Christmas if we ‘kill all the homos’. This man of the cloth passionately advocates the murder of LGBTQ people because he believes that will cure AIDS. Let that sink in for a moment. Now, when I read this I was naturally outraged and angry. This man is a disgrace to not only his faith, but the human race in general. He is uneducated, hateful and probably gay himself. Let’s get past that because this is the big idea I got. If these people believe in the Bible as they say they do, I’d like someone to explain how they can champion the idea of murdering people when the book they claim to be where all their laws come from actually states, without question, that killing is a sin. Hello! Ten commandments? Thou shalt not kill? I have to believe to laws brought forth by God himself would overrule anything else after it. If God says not to kill, you don’t kill, yet people like this pastor seem to think they get a pass because some other passage of the Bible, written by a mortal man, states that these people in particular must be put to death and the whole thou shalt not kill thing just get set aside. Convenient. I’d love to meet a Christian who believes in the Bible and manages to live with no contradictions. If that exists, please let me know. Just keep in mind, if you believe one group of people should die and others should not, you are a hypocrite and you are not a Christian.
The second thing that’s lit a fire under me is a story about how a group of African-American pastors went out of their way to derail some legislation that would help protect LGBT people from discrimination because they felt gay people have not suffered as they and their ancestors had suffered. First, I doubt these pastors had suffered as their ancestors had either. They had not been slaves themselves. They had never been forced to use special drinking fountains. It was those before them who suffered those injustices and fought and won freedom. They won freedom not only for their children and their children’s children, but for every minority who found themselves marginalized by society. This battle for civil rights isn’t some pissing contest where we have to reach some level of suffering before we get to claim our human dignity. Those great men fought hard and suffered greatly so that this country would become a better place to live for everyone and for these men to come against a group fighting for laws that would ensure they can’t be fired for being who they are is a tremendous insult to everything their heroes had fought and sacrificed for. Yes, the struggle for LGBT people may not have been equally as hard, but that’s thanks to the battles that came before. The civil rights movement has evolved and changed over the decades. The warriors change, but the fight is just the same. No one is seeking special treatment. They are only seeking fair treatment. Equal treatment under the law. After so many years, we should be at a place where this kind of fighting is obsolete. Have we not learned the lesson yet? Black Christians fought against gay marriage, yet not too long ago it was illegal for blacks to marry whites. It was illegal for Latinos to marry non-Latinos. They fought and won the right for their marriages to be recognized legally. Why do you suddenly change course and join those you once fought in order to marginalize a new group seeking the exact same rights you fought so hard for yourself? Because you don’t approve of their lifestyle? Because it goes against your beliefs? Guess what? Their marriage has nothing to do with you! Do you really want a world where your rights are determined by what other people believe? God! Why are people still like this? Are humans just incapable of learning from history now? It would be so much easier if we could just agree to treat each other equally across the board, no exceptions. Your life is your life, my life is mine. Seems so simple. So basic. Yet, there are millions of people out there who just don’t get it and sadly I think they never will. If they haven’t learned by now,

Ticked

Okay, so I’m in a pretty poor mood tonight, so this post could come off as more venting than anything else.
I’m not going to go into what’s bugging me, but suffice it to say that it’s just a general feeling of frustration over the obstinate inertia of my writing career. Same old, same old.
The particular issue I have right now may seem small but it’s a thorn in my brain nonetheless. I was just on my social media site and I saw a story about a major league umpire that has come out as gay. Great! Good for this guy for having the courage to do this. He’s the first openly gay umpire in major league history. Cool. What’s not cool is I found this story through a news site I subscribe to and my local channel 4 affiliate site. Not from The Advocate or Instinct magazine; and I’m pretty sure I know why. The man who came out isn’t pretty. He looks like a regular, everyday kind of guy. A little older. He’s the kind of guy who you’d find on the cover of a sports and leisure magazine. Of course, over in Instinct, they have a whole article about how Dave Franco shows his bare ass in his upcoming movie. Now that’s news, right? An actual historic event or some young hot guy baring all in a movie. Which do we run with? Hmmmm.
It sickens me because this is why so many narrow minded people think gay men are obsessed with sex. Because if you went by our media, that’s exactly how it looks. Some hot guy flashes some flesh and we tear out the front page and drool over it for years. Cute boys in some new TV show, have to cover every inch of whatever flesh they expose too. It’s like some kind of constant eye, stalking the young and hot and reporting for even the slightest titillation. If we were all teenage boys, I’d get it. Hormones and all, but grow the Hell up, please! Some guy’s ass is not news! Everyone’s got an ass. And how sure are we that it’s his in the movie? Heard of a body double? You could be drooling over the wrong guy. (enter sarcastic gasp here) I mean, it’s the ass that’s the thing right? Not the talent of the actor. It’s what they look like.
There are just some days I’m a little over the gay media. I appreciate a handsome guy just like anyone else, but I put my antennae down once in a while. I’m much more interested in acts of bravery, such as the umpire coming out, over eye candy.
I just have grown weary of feeling like a freak just because I don’t stop the minute I see some bare flesh and I’m getting really tired of a media network that seems to only care about a story so long as a hot guy is attached. There are newsmakers out there that aren’t exactly cover model material. That doesn’t mean you should just sweep them aside. I keep hearing a lot of noise about how everyone is beautiful. How about the media follows through with that? Celebrate people even if you don’t want to sleep with them. I realize men, gay or straight, are hardwired for sex, but it looks as though the breeders have got a hold on it and know when and when not to lose their shit over a pretty face and/or a hot body.
I actually think it’s kind of unhealthy. People focus on these celebrities so much, they actually compare real people to them. They get so fixated on this fantasy, they lose sight of what’s real in their lives. They create this unreachable standard of perfection that no one, not even their celebrity crush, could live up to or satisfy. I think it would be nice if we could start appreciating each other for who we are for real rather than falling in love with these fantasies.

Pride? Maybe Not So Much.

Ah, the first weekend of June. You may know what that means. If you don’t, allow me to enlighten you. This weekend kicks off a three day pride celebration in Los Angeles. Three days for the LGBTQ community to come together and celebrate unity and experience the many shades of our community. Well, at least that’s the idea.

I have been a participant of the pride celebration for many  years now, but I’m sitting this one out. I’m not all that proud this year, and if you take a good hard look at the gay community, I don’t think many of them should be either. The intent of the affair was noble, and still is, however the execution today leaves me a bit hollow. For starters, the price to get into the festival. $20? Really? Maybe back in the day it was a good price because it was such a large set up with lots of booths and things to see. Now it’s been slimmed down considerably and many of the small businesses are missing booths, replaced by larger corporate sponsors. And let’s not forget the major corporate sponsors who make it all possible. You’d think for all the money getting raked in, they could cut the price of admission down five or ten bucks. Perhaps the steep price tag is a better way to ensure an affluent audience for all the advertising found within.

And what about that little financial schism? This whole deal is to celebrate our community as a whole, but there are so many private parties and VIP perks that divide and exclude. What kind of message is that? Within our own tribe, there are still barriers and large groups within who feel simply because they have the money, they deserve a better standard than the rest of us. This day should be the equalizer. Where all of our community can stand together as equals.

And of course there is the drinking. It seems there can’t be a gay event without massive amounts of liquor on hand. Like that’s the only way to have fun. So many groups at the event advocate responsible drinking, ending drug abuse and safe sex practices, but so many of the people who come drink too much, experiment with drugs and I’m sure there are more than a few who steal away for a quickie sans condom. That kind of behavior doesn’t fill me with much pride. Why is it so many feel the best way to celebrate pride is to come together, get wasted and act like unchained animals?f

I’m not saying it’s all bad, but based on my observances over these past many years, I have seen a steep decline in the quality of these pride celebrations. It’s been overtaken by greed and profiteering. It’s become more of a reason for people to get drunk and party than to really connect with their community. I feel like the whole thing should be rethought as a gay and lesbian RESPECT celebration. A time for us to show a little respect to each other as well as ourselves. I’d pay to see that.

Alone

This posting is a little vent. Apologies, but something stuck into my brain today and I feel the need to express.

As I was passing through the crowds today, I looked at them all and I felt as I usually do. I felt as though I didn’t understand them or their way of life. I couldn’t see myself the same way as them. It’s always felt to me as though I’m on some other wavelength away from the rest of the world. It’s like I wake up every day and step into this alien world that I struggle to survive, but have no hope of thriving in. They check all the boxes off their lists and find a life. Maybe not a perfect one, but one that works. They have careers and families and friends. I feel as though I’m simply stumbling through the days faking however I can to pass as one of these people, at least on the surface. I’m a subconscious alien dwelling within a human construct, and once in a while, this consciousness reaches out into the world surrounding me in hopes of finding some relief, or at least another soul that echoes my own hopelessness. Usually only to be rebuffed or eventually rejected because the basic disconnect between me and  the rest of the human race is still there.

I was out at The Abbey tonight with some friends, and that experience seemed to echo this concept, but only more clearly. I looked upon the sea of hot guys. They were happy and seemed to have everything together. They didn’t have jobs, they had careers. There seemed to be no social hurdle in their way. I stood among them, feeling as though I were invisible. I glimpsed this world that I’ve never truly experienced and I ached for it. I just don’t know what in my mind has blocked me from being like them. What In my subconscious won’t allow me this level of existence. I observed the younger ones. They were enjoying themselves, clearing living their lives, trying new things and forging what will be their checkered past, but as I watched them, I realized I never had that time of my life. It either never came or I chose not to live it. And if that were the case, I must say I regret that choice now. It felt as though there was a whole world that  drifted away without me seeing it. Now I can’t even imagine interacting with those people. I can’t see them understanding me, or me understanding them. It’s as though the gap that I inadvertently created has only grown over the years, and it will grow larger and the hope of bridging it will grow dimmer.

I guess this then feeds my feelings about being single. I’m going to say it, I hate being single. I know it’s not cool to say, but I want someone special in my life to share it with. Yes, there was a lot of eye candy at the bar tonight, but I don’t want the trappings of the ‘west hollywood’ lifestyle. At the end of everything, all I really want is a hand to hold. I don’t need, nor want, the Hollywood ideal, but someone I like, who likes me and wants to become a part of my life, as well as make me a part of his. Has this become such an impossible goal? With all the open relationships and what not, it seems like it. I believe in monogamy, I don’t care if there are those who say it isn’t natural, I still believe in it for me. It’s an issue of trust and care and the sacrifice one needs to make for the one they love. No, this isn’t a match.com profile, nor is it a personal ad of any kind. This is just some mental junk that’s been rattling in my brain for far too long. Just had to unburden myself.

Thank you.