Open Letter To All Single Gay Men

Hey guys,

As one of those terminally single dudes out there, I must say the practice of seeking a mate or sexual partner is hard and often wears down the old self-esteem, but there are times when I see the humor of it as well. My most favorite thing is the observation that so many of you ‘good looking’ guys out there who live at the gym and ‘take care of your bodies’ are still yourselves single. Your profiles paint a portrait of an intelligent, active go-getter anyone would be proud to date/bed down; but here you are. With me. On Scruff. of Grindr or whatever site or app you use.

I especially love when  you fine fellows complain about the low quality of men (mostly in LA which leads me to think it’s the men in this city particular) and how you will just lose your $#it if you meet another, as you call them, loser. Maybe it’s in the kind of guys you are looking at. Ever think of that? If you shop among douchebags all the time, douchebags are all you’re ever going to find. If you’re just looking for a gym bunny for a quick fix, fine. Go for it. I get it. Douchebags are odd because I don’t think there’s another kind of guy that is so equally hot and revolting at the same time. I want to run them down with my car as much as I want to take them to bed. If you are really earnest about finding a quality guy to date and start that open relationship we all dream about, then maybe you should read on.

Identify who you want. That’s first and foremost. Like shopping at the store, you need a list to shop for a man. What kind of man? A few tips on what is and is not a good sign.

  • Gym Selfie. If the guy you’re looking to talk to has a gym selfie as a profile picture there’s only one thing to do. Run. Just run. This is a guy who lives at the gym and if you don’t worship at the weight rack like he does, it’ll never work out. I also hate how these guys take full credit for their hot bodies, when in reality it’s probably their body type that is the biggest influence in their workouts and when they hit that magic age, it will all go away like magic.
  • Marathon Selfie. Kind of the same thing as above. This guy isn’t a gym rat so much as a lifestyle convert.He’s probably aggressively Vegan and will try to push you over to the green side every chance he gets, even resorting to food shaming. The only thing these guys love is crossing the finishing line.
  • Backwards baseball caps. If your target sports his ball cap backwards then take a few steps back. This is the universal sign of douchebag. Bonus warning if he’s wearing sunglasses AND the baseball cap. That’s just stupid people. That needs to be weeded out right here and now.
  • Faceless profile picture. This barely needs to be mentioned,  but I will say it. Anyone who fails to have a clear face picture on their profile is not a handsome yet discreet man waiting for the right one to come along. There’s no point in discretion on these apps because everyone is in the same boat. If someone from the office sees you on Growlr, then you have as much on him as he does on you.
  • Excessive slang. If the guy’s profile reads like a Rap song, complete with misspellings, keep walking. Remember, this guy composed this profile to read just like that. That’s either how he thinks the world really communicates or that’s really how HE communicates and however down you may be with the thug life, it can wear pretty fast.
  • Open relationship. Not likely that you’re going to reply to someone in an open relationship with the idea it could be more than a hook-up, but just in case here’s a tip. The profiles that go on and on about how great their man is and how happy they are with him is odd. If they’re so happy and in love, what are they doing online looking for a side piece? Keep in mind you are just extra to these guys and are completely disposable to them. They don’t care if they have to cancel or put you off. You aren’t a priority to them. If you don’t mind putting up with that, go for it.
  • Vacation slides. Some guys  put their vacation photos on their profiles and won’t shut up about how they love to travel whenever they can. Must be nice to have that kind of money and flexibility. Most of us in the real world have to work for a living. These are the guys who are all about where they’ve been and will constantly insist they know about something better than anything else. Constantly referencing their past adventures in order to show they are so much more traveled and cultured than you. They’ll ask you why you don’t travel more and be warned; there is no right answer to this. To them there is  no excuse not to travel. Makes me wonder if they are so much happier someplace else, why don’t they live there instead?

If you’re still bitching about all the terrible guys you’re  meeting, try and think about all the guys you reject. There are so many guys out there who I share so many things in common with yet I  never  hear from them when I reach out and that’s because despite our compatible personalities, I don’t look like a porn star. I know. We all want a porn star. Some muscular, handsome specimen who’s always clean down there and ready to go with a ten inch tool (at least) but the reality is beauty fades and we all become average at some point. You might have better luck finding a good man if you open your eyes to what’s inside as well as what’s on the outside. I’m not saying to settle for anyone. Attraction is of course an important component, but try and expand your vision of what is and is  not attractive. Maybe it’s not in the cards for you to have a boyfriend with rock  hard abs, but what good are those abs when you’re sick and you need someone to pamper you to health? Where’s your gym bf going to be when you need him to pick you up from the doctor? I think the best advice to be given would be to give people a break and open yourself up. You have no idea what a person could be to you until you let them be it. You may also want to start actually READING the profiles instead of only judging on the picture.

I hope you got something out of this, but I’m sure this has all fallen on deaf ears. In any case, be safe and have fun out there, boys!


This posting is a little vent. Apologies, but something stuck into my brain today and I feel the need to express.

As I was passing through the crowds today, I looked at them all and I felt as I usually do. I felt as though I didn’t understand them or their way of life. I couldn’t see myself the same way as them. It’s always felt to me as though I’m on some other wavelength away from the rest of the world. It’s like I wake up every day and step into this alien world that I struggle to survive, but have no hope of thriving in. They check all the boxes off their lists and find a life. Maybe not a perfect one, but one that works. They have careers and families and friends. I feel as though I’m simply stumbling through the days faking however I can to pass as one of these people, at least on the surface. I’m a subconscious alien dwelling within a human construct, and once in a while, this consciousness reaches out into the world surrounding me in hopes of finding some relief, or at least another soul that echoes my own hopelessness. Usually only to be rebuffed or eventually rejected because the basic disconnect between me and  the rest of the human race is still there.

I was out at The Abbey tonight with some friends, and that experience seemed to echo this concept, but only more clearly. I looked upon the sea of hot guys. They were happy and seemed to have everything together. They didn’t have jobs, they had careers. There seemed to be no social hurdle in their way. I stood among them, feeling as though I were invisible. I glimpsed this world that I’ve never truly experienced and I ached for it. I just don’t know what in my mind has blocked me from being like them. What In my subconscious won’t allow me this level of existence. I observed the younger ones. They were enjoying themselves, clearing living their lives, trying new things and forging what will be their checkered past, but as I watched them, I realized I never had that time of my life. It either never came or I chose not to live it. And if that were the case, I must say I regret that choice now. It felt as though there was a whole world that  drifted away without me seeing it. Now I can’t even imagine interacting with those people. I can’t see them understanding me, or me understanding them. It’s as though the gap that I inadvertently created has only grown over the years, and it will grow larger and the hope of bridging it will grow dimmer.

I guess this then feeds my feelings about being single. I’m going to say it, I hate being single. I know it’s not cool to say, but I want someone special in my life to share it with. Yes, there was a lot of eye candy at the bar tonight, but I don’t want the trappings of the ‘west hollywood’ lifestyle. At the end of everything, all I really want is a hand to hold. I don’t need, nor want, the Hollywood ideal, but someone I like, who likes me and wants to become a part of my life, as well as make me a part of his. Has this become such an impossible goal? With all the open relationships and what not, it seems like it. I believe in monogamy, I don’t care if there are those who say it isn’t natural, I still believe in it for me. It’s an issue of trust and care and the sacrifice one needs to make for the one they love. No, this isn’t a profile, nor is it a personal ad of any kind. This is just some mental junk that’s been rattling in my brain for far too long. Just had to unburden myself.

Thank you.

State Of Singlehood

Okay. It’s tough to meet people these days. The odds are against us as our world changes more and more to remove us from daily interaction with others. We do everything online, we don’t have as many chances for a ‘meet-cute’ out there. My words here are directed at the gay single community.

I have been spending the last few days bouncing around some of the dating/hookup apps/sites because frankly that’s the only way men meet anymore. It’s no easier in person at a bar, and frankly based on my experiences from bar dating, I think I’m better off on Scruff. The main problem with gay dating today, at least here in Los Angeles is the simple fact everyone thinks they are so damn hot no one is good enough for them. I saw a profile of a guy who had a great body, handsome face and his words were rather well put together. By this I can gather he’s an attractive, intelligent man seeking someone special, yet he has not accomplished this. Why? Probably because he’s looking for a rich, successful Olympian who travels the world and does charity work when he’s not in his gourmet test kitchen creating the next sensation in nouveau cuisine. That seems to be the basic model for what everyone is looking for in a partner. Perfection. I’d like to drop a little reality check on everyone.

Perfection does NOT exist. I’m not saying you have to settle for some loser, but I am saying there are a lot of great guys out there who may not check off every box on your list, and that might be a good thing. One part of a relationship is accepting your partner for all that’s bad as well as all that is good. Sometimes the clashes between you help the both of you grow. Maybe you travel and your guy doesn’t like to go far. Maybe you can open his eyes to something new. Dating someone whom you have EVERYTHING in common with sounds terribly boring to me. All you will be doing all the time is the same old stuff you both always did before you met. The novelty of having someone to do them with might wear off quickly. And when did everyone start running marathons? I mean, really? There are so many guys out there who go on about how important athletics are to them and how their partner must share this passion and how eating right is a passion for them as well. These are the same guys who go out on the weekends and drink their body weight in alcohol.

The trap of this is usually when you open yourself up, you find your pickings are less than stellar. I mean in a physical sense. I hate sounding shallow about this, but physical attraction is a crucial component as well and the fact is we are attracted to certain attributes while repelled by others. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s important your partner gets your engine running, but some guys need to open their eyes a bit wider. I mean, I’ve seen some profiles say they like guys of all shapes and sizes, as long as they’re fit. They say they like guys who are muscular, slender, ripped, or lean. Glad to see they are keeping it wide open. There are also many who restrict their dating to a particular race or nationality. These men narrow their field so thin, there’s no chance of anyone living up to their standards, and then they turn around and wonder why they’ve been single for the past ten years. I have sent my share of messages to guys who, based on their pictures, I felt were in my league. I mean, they weren’t gym bunnies, but they had nice builds. Solid. Healthy. Good for cuddling, but often I wouldn’t get a response. I would then go back to their profile and I would catch a line about how they’re only into in shape men. It seems like these guys are setting themselves up for failure in this. My philosophy has always been to not ask for any more than I could provide myself. I’m not out for a perfect hunky stud. Just someone who I find attractive. The guys I’ve been with have not been ‘in shape’, but they weren’t obese either. They were regular guys. They were right for me. I’m probably going to get a bunch of hate over all that, but I’m just being honest. If you like large guys, then great, but that has never been my thing.

I feel like I’m getting lost in my point, so I’m going to wrap this. My overall point to this is that gay men need to get serious about finding love when they’re really in the  market for a partner. They need to grow the hell up and accept that no man is going to meet all their requirements. That golden unicorn you dream of has galloped off to unicorn heaven and will not be coming back anytime soon.