Oh, The Single Life

I have a little wake up call for the single gay men of Los Angeles because as I’ve been observing for the past (censored) years, one thing in the singles scene has never changed. You guys are f@*#’d up! I’m sorry, but as I patrol the usual dating/meeting sites (never dating out of that bar again. Hand to God.) I notice that it’s pretty much the same crop of local singles as I saw about 3 years ago. This game is no big deal on sites like Adam4adam because that site isn’t really for ‘dating’ in the conventional sense, but OkCupid and Plenty Of Fish seem to be falling into the same pattern.

I see the issue as about two major problems. First, all you beautiful men with the abs and  pecs and perfect bodies need to realize that you’re not going to be like that forever. The day will come when all that perfection collapses and you’re going to be old men just like the rest of us. I’ll take this arrow out of your quiver right away. I’m jealous. I realize that. I wish I had a body that made me comfortable to be naked in front of people. I work out and try to eat right, but I just can’t seem to make it happen, so when you guys say you want a guy who takes care of himself, you should realize that there are those who do take care of themselves but still have not reached the same impressive results you have. You need to start looking beneath the surface and open yourselves up to the possibilities. Do you want a man who will let you wash your clothes on his abs, or a man who will be there for you when times get tough? You say you don’t need anyone? You say you can take care of your own? Great. However, even the strongest of us must at some point admit that we do need someone to help, if only to be there to offer a kind word or a soft touch. The measure of a man isn’t under his clothes, but under his skin. It’s time for some of you gym bunnies to grow the f#*# up.

The second problem is that it seems everyone in this city thinks they are so great, that no one is good enough for them. It seems like everyone is holding out for that cute, young ripped stud with the killer eyes, sweet smile and super exciting life to sweep in and change their lives. That poor guy. He’s got a lot of work ahead of him. Now I realize a lot of you guys out there feel you deserve nothing less than the best and you have vowed never to settle and I applaud you. I agree. I mean, if I was up for settling, I’d be in a wonderful sexless marriage right now, but I believe there’s someone out there for me that can make my heart race, and I know this because I’ve found a few people who did that already. My exes. None of them were muscular. None of them will appear on the cover of GQ, but I loved them and in some cases, I’d take them back in a heartbeat. I just think the millions of Cinderellas out there need to wake up and realize that Prince Charming isn’t going to be coming in the package you expect him to. By placing yourself on this pedestal, you’re putting yourself out of reach of some really good men. You want perfect? Who doesn’t? But let’s face it, it doesn’t exist. I’m not saying you HAVE to settle for some schlub, but I am advising you to open your eyes a little wider. Open your heart a little deeper. You’d be surprised. So he has a bald spot. His eyes are still killer and he treats you like royalty. So he’s got a little padding around the middle. He’s warm and cuddles like no one else can. I’m seeing a lot of single men out there running around the maze and for some reason, no one is making connections. There’s no reason for that.

There are other issues of course. Off the top of my head this whole FWB movement lately. Friends with benefits is NOT, I repeat NOT, a real thing! It’s just a transparent excuse for men to get their rocks off and act like it’s not just hooking up. I mean, if you have an FWB, do you honestly hang out and do ‘friend’ things? I’m guessing no. When was the last time you and your FWB did anything other than sex? It’s a cop out, plain and simple. I’m also having an issue with these guys on the DL. I mean, come on! It’s 2014! If you’re gay, you’re gay. Straight men don’t have sex with men. Once they do, they are not straight. It’s time for all you guys to come out and at least admit to being bisexual. And cut it out with cheating on your significant others. If you don’t want to commit to the person you’re dating, break it off. It’s not fair to them. They clearly want to commit to you, but if you don’t feel the same way, you owe it to them to be honest so that they can go and find someone who can give them what they want. Or you can start being the one they want, but you need to man up and make the sacrifices you need to make that happen.  And don’t use youth or ‘questioning’ as an excuse either. You’re just some horny brats who want to get off.  You know what you’re doing.

Another minor issue is all the couples out there trolling for a third to add to their bed. Really? You already have a man but you still need all the singles too? I’ve never understood this. I mean, if your boyfriend is so amazing and gorgeous, why are you looking for company online? You have an amazing gorgeous guy right there. It just transmits to me that you aren’t totally happy with your relationship but you don’t want to end it. Maybe the third person you should be talking to is a therapist so that you and your partner can communicate and really get down to why you feel the need to ‘spice up’ your sex lives. I get that some couples have fun adding a third and that’s okay, but I’m seeing more and more partnered men on the singles sites. Maybe you all should have a separate place to go for this stuff. I’m just working on getting my own bf.

And now this isn’t an issue, but this does kind of irk me. What is with all the guys from the east coast? I mean, I think 9 out of 10 profiles I read are from guys who are east coast transplants. And is everyone running marathons these days? It seems like I keep reading the same profile over and over. From the east coast. Traveled the world. Runs marathons. Was there a movement I missed out on or something?

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Lifting The Fog

This is going to be a very personal post today. Something very bad has happened, and after a week of processing and torturing myself, I need to expel the poison. I don’t know where to start this really. I was just out at the mall and these words came to me. I felt a feeling come over me and I realized what it was. It was the feeling that you believed there was someone out there that cared about you, and then you found out that you were wrong. After more than a year of accepting the faults of this person for the sake of the affection you felt for them, you realize that it was only you feeling those things. You thought in your worst moments that there was small bit of true affection within them and maybe there was. A small bit, but so little that a new infatuation was able to wipe it all away, as though it had never been there in the first place. You find yourself the loser suddenly caught out in the cold with nothing to show for your trouble but an aching heart and a broken smile forced on your face only to show the world that this will not destroy you. After time, you manage to accept and focus on what else is good in your life, but the pain lingers. Such a vicious and cold treatment. I gave nothing but warmth and affection, and in return I’m eased out without even being told. Just pushed aside and ignored. Such actions are less those of a man and more of a monster.

It’s times like this I actually take the most comfort in my comic books and silly things. It may seem odd to the outsider, but for me, when anything has gone wrong in my life and it felt like the world was ending, I could always count on Batman in Gotham or Superman in Metropolis or Spidey in New York or Xavier and his brave X-Men. Superman always saves the day. Batman always defeats the Joker and the world keeps turning and no one can take them from me. It’s steady and reliable, unlike people. They keep me grounded and sane, ironically. This pain will pass I know, and it feels like it has mostly, but I know there will be traces left for some time to come. It’s my mourning period mixed with anger and disappointment. I always wonder though, why am I the one always feeling these things more? Why does it seem that I am the one who gets all the pain in these situations? The other guy just skips off into the sunset with his new man while I’m left to cry into my hands. All I ever wanted was to meet someone who was as excited about me as I was about them. It happens. I’ve had it before and I don’t see why I can’t have it again. I see it happening all around me for other people. What is it about me that forces me into this void where I am neither seen nor heard by the world at large? All I know is I am one of the most genuine hearts that will be experienced and I have been discarded in the most callous and unkind way. I could be consumed with anger. I could wish only to harm and hurt this person out of revenge, but I won’t. It doesn’t serve me to destroy another. I have a big future lining up before my eyes and those who get to join me on the upcoming journey will be fortunate, and those who have chosen to leave will learn regret for that choice.

State Of Singlehood

Okay. It’s tough to meet people these days. The odds are against us as our world changes more and more to remove us from daily interaction with others. We do everything online, we don’t have as many chances for a ‘meet-cute’ out there. My words here are directed at the gay single community.

I have been spending the last few days bouncing around some of the dating/hookup apps/sites because frankly that’s the only way men meet anymore. It’s no easier in person at a bar, and frankly based on my experiences from bar dating, I think I’m better off on Scruff. The main problem with gay dating today, at least here in Los Angeles is the simple fact everyone thinks they are so damn hot no one is good enough for them. I saw a profile of a guy who had a great body, handsome face and his words were rather well put together. By this I can gather he’s an attractive, intelligent man seeking someone special, yet he has not accomplished this. Why? Probably because he’s looking for a rich, successful Olympian who travels the world and does charity work when he’s not in his gourmet test kitchen creating the next sensation in nouveau cuisine. That seems to be the basic model for what everyone is looking for in a partner. Perfection. I’d like to drop a little reality check on everyone.

Perfection does NOT exist. I’m not saying you have to settle for some loser, but I am saying there are a lot of great guys out there who may not check off every box on your list, and that might be a good thing. One part of a relationship is accepting your partner for all that’s bad as well as all that is good. Sometimes the clashes between you help the both of you grow. Maybe you travel and your guy doesn’t like to go far. Maybe you can open his eyes to something new. Dating someone whom you have EVERYTHING in common with sounds terribly boring to me. All you will be doing all the time is the same old stuff you both always did before you met. The novelty of having someone to do them with might wear off quickly. And when did everyone start running marathons? I mean, really? There are so many guys out there who go on about how important athletics are to them and how their partner must share this passion and how eating right is a passion for them as well. These are the same guys who go out on the weekends and drink their body weight in alcohol.

The trap of this is usually when you open yourself up, you find your pickings are less than stellar. I mean in a physical sense. I hate sounding shallow about this, but physical attraction is a crucial component as well and the fact is we are attracted to certain attributes while repelled by others. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s important your partner gets your engine running, but some guys need to open their eyes a bit wider. I mean, I’ve seen some profiles say they like guys of all shapes and sizes, as long as they’re fit. They say they like guys who are muscular, slender, ripped, or lean. Glad to see they are keeping it wide open. There are also many who restrict their dating to a particular race or nationality. These men narrow their field so thin, there’s no chance of anyone living up to their standards, and then they turn around and wonder why they’ve been single for the past ten years. I have sent my share of messages to guys who, based on their pictures, I felt were in my league. I mean, they weren’t gym bunnies, but they had nice builds. Solid. Healthy. Good for cuddling, but often I wouldn’t get a response. I would then go back to their profile and I would catch a line about how they’re only into in shape men. It seems like these guys are setting themselves up for failure in this. My philosophy has always been to not ask for any more than I could provide myself. I’m not out for a perfect hunky stud. Just someone who I find attractive. The guys I’ve been with have not been ‘in shape’, but they weren’t obese either. They were regular guys. They were right for me. I’m probably going to get a bunch of hate over all that, but I’m just being honest. If you like large guys, then great, but that has never been my thing.

I feel like I’m getting lost in my point, so I’m going to wrap this. My overall point to this is that gay men need to get serious about finding love when they’re really in the  market for a partner. They need to grow the hell up and accept that no man is going to meet all their requirements. That golden unicorn you dream of has galloped off to unicorn heaven and will not be coming back anytime soon.

 

Pet Peeves 1

Having done my time in the single scene in the past, I have a few irksome issues to vent  off about.

First, I hate profiles that require anyone who responds to ‘take care of their body’. It annoys me because it feels like a mean slam at those of us who aren’t gifted physically. Just because I don’t have six pack abs or pecs of steel doesn’t mean I don’t take care of myself. I exercise. I eat a balanced diet. Some people have body types and other issues that hinder their quest for a more ripped appearance. in my case, my body type holds onto fat and makes it difficult to lose it even with proper exercise and diet. Oh, to be a Mesomorph for a day.

I’m also quite fed up with gay men trying to turn Friends With Benefits into a relationship distinction. FWB is not a relationship status. It’s just a phrase used by men to validate sleeping around but at the same time keeping them out of the relationship sphere. You like the guy. You want to sleep with him, but you’re not totally sure you want to wake up to his face for the rest of your life. Throw FWB onto it and have a ball, right? I’m sorry. If you want to screw around like a frat boy, fine but don’t hang a cut name onto it and act like it’s a  new way of life. I mean, what’s the point of a relationship if you can’t value it? Leaving that door open to come in and out as you please minimizes the relationship and both parties are doomed to feel unsatisfied and eventually part ways.  I’m all for living and experiencing all you can, but at some point we want something more. At least most of us do. For me, I want someone to grow old with. Here’s a sobering thought. When you’re at Target or some other store, look around at the old couples wandering the aisles. Then realize that someday that’s going to be you. I promise. That is where all roads lead. As exciting and thrilling as your life may be now, at some point you’re going to  be one of those rumpled old folks pushing a cart down t he grocery aisle at Wal-Mart looking for the item you have a coupon for. You can’t stop it. It’s going to happen. I’d rather have someone with me at that stage of my life.