Open Letter To All Single Gay Men

Hey guys,

As one of those terminally single dudes out there, I must say the practice of seeking a mate or sexual partner is hard and often wears down the old self-esteem, but there are times when I see the humor of it as well. My most favorite thing is the observation that so many of you ‘good looking’ guys out there who live at the gym and ‘take care of your bodies’ are still yourselves single. Your profiles paint a portrait of an intelligent, active go-getter anyone would be proud to date/bed down; but here you are. With me. On Scruff. of Grindr or whatever site or app you use.

I especially love when  you fine fellows complain about the low quality of men (mostly in LA which leads me to think it’s the men in this city particular) and how you will just lose your $#it if you meet another, as you call them, loser. Maybe it’s in the kind of guys you are looking at. Ever think of that? If you shop among douchebags all the time, douchebags are all you’re ever going to find. If you’re just looking for a gym bunny for a quick fix, fine. Go for it. I get it. Douchebags are odd because I don’t think there’s another kind of guy that is so equally hot and revolting at the same time. I want to run them down with my car as much as I want to take them to bed. If you are really earnest about finding a quality guy to date and start that open relationship we all dream about, then maybe you should read on.

Identify who you want. That’s first and foremost. Like shopping at the store, you need a list to shop for a man. What kind of man? A few tips on what is and is not a good sign.

  • Gym Selfie. If the guy you’re looking to talk to has a gym selfie as a profile picture there’s only one thing to do. Run. Just run. This is a guy who lives at the gym and if you don’t worship at the weight rack like he does, it’ll never work out. I also hate how these guys take full credit for their hot bodies, when in reality it’s probably their body type that is the biggest influence in their workouts and when they hit that magic age, it will all go away like magic.
  • Marathon Selfie. Kind of the same thing as above. This guy isn’t a gym rat so much as a lifestyle convert.He’s probably aggressively Vegan and will try to push you over to the green side every chance he gets, even resorting to food shaming. The only thing these guys love is crossing the finishing line.
  • Backwards baseball caps. If your target sports his ball cap backwards then take a few steps back. This is the universal sign of douchebag. Bonus warning if he’s wearing sunglasses AND the baseball cap. That’s just stupid people. That needs to be weeded out right here and now.
  • Faceless profile picture. This barely needs to be mentioned,  but I will say it. Anyone who fails to have a clear face picture on their profile is not a handsome yet discreet man waiting for the right one to come along. There’s no point in discretion on these apps because everyone is in the same boat. If someone from the office sees you on Growlr, then you have as much on him as he does on you.
  • Excessive slang. If the guy’s profile reads like a Rap song, complete with misspellings, keep walking. Remember, this guy composed this profile to read just like that. That’s either how he thinks the world really communicates or that’s really how HE communicates and however down you may be with the thug life, it can wear pretty fast.
  • Open relationship. Not likely that you’re going to reply to someone in an open relationship with the idea it could be more than a hook-up, but just in case here’s a tip. The profiles that go on and on about how great their man is and how happy they are with him is odd. If they’re so happy and in love, what are they doing online looking for a side piece? Keep in mind you are just extra to these guys and are completely disposable to them. They don’t care if they have to cancel or put you off. You aren’t a priority to them. If you don’t mind putting up with that, go for it.
  • Vacation slides. Some guys  put their vacation photos on their profiles and won’t shut up about how they love to travel whenever they can. Must be nice to have that kind of money and flexibility. Most of us in the real world have to work for a living. These are the guys who are all about where they’ve been and will constantly insist they know about something better than anything else. Constantly referencing their past adventures in order to show they are so much more traveled and cultured than you. They’ll ask you why you don’t travel more and be warned; there is no right answer to this. To them there is  no excuse not to travel. Makes me wonder if they are so much happier someplace else, why don’t they live there instead?

If you’re still bitching about all the terrible guys you’re  meeting, try and think about all the guys you reject. There are so many guys out there who I share so many things in common with yet I  never  hear from them when I reach out and that’s because despite our compatible personalities, I don’t look like a porn star. I know. We all want a porn star. Some muscular, handsome specimen who’s always clean down there and ready to go with a ten inch tool (at least) but the reality is beauty fades and we all become average at some point. You might have better luck finding a good man if you open your eyes to what’s inside as well as what’s on the outside. I’m not saying to settle for anyone. Attraction is of course an important component, but try and expand your vision of what is and is  not attractive. Maybe it’s not in the cards for you to have a boyfriend with rock  hard abs, but what good are those abs when you’re sick and you need someone to pamper you to health? Where’s your gym bf going to be when you need him to pick you up from the doctor? I think the best advice to be given would be to give people a break and open yourself up. You have no idea what a person could be to you until you let them be it. You may also want to start actually READING the profiles instead of only judging on the picture.

I hope you got something out of this, but I’m sure this has all fallen on deaf ears. In any case, be safe and have fun out there, boys!

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