Back Again

Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve been away lately because I’ve had my hands full. I had a job. I wanted to write, but after a day of sitting in front of a computer screen, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in front of another one. That has changed I’m afraid. Today I was informed that I have been fired. I have three days left and then it’s over.
I realize that life isn’t fair. I understand that, I do, but I have to say that this is almost criminally unfair to me. I spend 4 years looking for full time employment, I finally find something. The pays no good, but it was close to where I live and it was a very relaxed atmosphere. It was actually not a bad job and 5 months later it’s ripped away from me just like that. Of course in those 5 months, my car insurance has gone up. My phone bill has also increased and I have no idea if my length of employment will qualify me for benefits. Maybe some, but not enough I’m sure. I actually have to re-learn how to live as a jobless person. I forgot what it was like not to have income. I became so used to that bi-weekly paycheck. I was looking forward to this year’s holiday season. I was going to have money to buy gifts. I was going to get into Halloween. I was enjoying being able to splurge a little at the comic book store once in a while. I liked knowing I was able to like a shirt in a store, see that it was maybe ten bucks or so and I could just buy it, guilt free. Now I’m back to worrying over every last dollar. I have to wrestle over a five dollar purchase.
At this point I should say that I am aware there are people out there who are far worse off than myself and if put into perspective, my problems may not be so big. Be that as it may, it makes my pain no less valid. I’ve struggled and fought in ways few could understand just to keep my head above water. How many times do I have to drag myself up only to be slammed back down? How many times do I have to fight this same battle? When will it ever be enough? When will I finally move forward in this world? I’m tired. I’m just so tired struggling just to maintain this Hell I find myself in, and in some cases actually making it worse. Anyone else putting this much into it would be in a very good place by now. I feel like a car stuck in the mud. The wheel spins faster and faster, but I only sink in deeper. If I stop, I go nowhere. There doesn’t seem to be any way to win at this game, but I can’t stop playing. I can’t quit. I wish I could, to be honest, but I can’t. I just think in the universe, effort at some point should be rewarded. I want to cash in now. I don’t know if I can keep doing this over and over. It’s getting tiresome.
Sorry for the downer post, but my head’s in that place. I’ll try to think of something better to write about next time. Promise.

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