Pride? Maybe Not So Much.

Ah, the first weekend of June. You may know what that means. If you don’t, allow me to enlighten you. This weekend kicks off a three day pride celebration in Los Angeles. Three days for the LGBTQ community to come together and celebrate unity and experience the many shades of our community. Well, at least that’s the idea.

I have been a participant of the pride celebration for many  years now, but I’m sitting this one out. I’m not all that proud this year, and if you take a good hard look at the gay community, I don’t think many of them should be either. The intent of the affair was noble, and still is, however the execution today leaves me a bit hollow. For starters, the price to get into the festival. $20? Really? Maybe back in the day it was a good price because it was such a large set up with lots of booths and things to see. Now it’s been slimmed down considerably and many of the small businesses are missing booths, replaced by larger corporate sponsors. And let’s not forget the major corporate sponsors who make it all possible. You’d think for all the money getting raked in, they could cut the price of admission down five or ten bucks. Perhaps the steep price tag is a better way to ensure an affluent audience for all the advertising found within.

And what about that little financial schism? This whole deal is to celebrate our community as a whole, but there are so many private parties and VIP perks that divide and exclude. What kind of message is that? Within our own tribe, there are still barriers and large groups within who feel simply because they have the money, they deserve a better standard than the rest of us. This day should be the equalizer. Where all of our community can stand together as equals.

And of course there is the drinking. It seems there can’t be a gay event without massive amounts of liquor on hand. Like that’s the only way to have fun. So many groups at the event advocate responsible drinking, ending drug abuse and safe sex practices, but so many of the people who come drink too much, experiment with drugs and I’m sure there are more than a few who steal away for a quickie sans condom. That kind of behavior doesn’t fill me with much pride. Why is it so many feel the best way to celebrate pride is to come together, get wasted and act like unchained animals?f

I’m not saying it’s all bad, but based on my observances over these past many years, I have seen a steep decline in the quality of these pride celebrations. It’s been overtaken by greed and profiteering. It’s become more of a reason for people to get drunk and party than to really connect with their community. I feel like the whole thing should be rethought as a gay and lesbian RESPECT celebration. A time for us to show a little respect to each other as well as ourselves. I’d pay to see that.

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Alone

This posting is a little vent. Apologies, but something stuck into my brain today and I feel the need to express.

As I was passing through the crowds today, I looked at them all and I felt as I usually do. I felt as though I didn’t understand them or their way of life. I couldn’t see myself the same way as them. It’s always felt to me as though I’m on some other wavelength away from the rest of the world. It’s like I wake up every day and step into this alien world that I struggle to survive, but have no hope of thriving in. They check all the boxes off their lists and find a life. Maybe not a perfect one, but one that works. They have careers and families and friends. I feel as though I’m simply stumbling through the days faking however I can to pass as one of these people, at least on the surface. I’m a subconscious alien dwelling within a human construct, and once in a while, this consciousness reaches out into the world surrounding me in hopes of finding some relief, or at least another soul that echoes my own hopelessness. Usually only to be rebuffed or eventually rejected because the basic disconnect between me and  the rest of the human race is still there.

I was out at The Abbey tonight with some friends, and that experience seemed to echo this concept, but only more clearly. I looked upon the sea of hot guys. They were happy and seemed to have everything together. They didn’t have jobs, they had careers. There seemed to be no social hurdle in their way. I stood among them, feeling as though I were invisible. I glimpsed this world that I’ve never truly experienced and I ached for it. I just don’t know what in my mind has blocked me from being like them. What In my subconscious won’t allow me this level of existence. I observed the younger ones. They were enjoying themselves, clearing living their lives, trying new things and forging what will be their checkered past, but as I watched them, I realized I never had that time of my life. It either never came or I chose not to live it. And if that were the case, I must say I regret that choice now. It felt as though there was a whole world that  drifted away without me seeing it. Now I can’t even imagine interacting with those people. I can’t see them understanding me, or me understanding them. It’s as though the gap that I inadvertently created has only grown over the years, and it will grow larger and the hope of bridging it will grow dimmer.

I guess this then feeds my feelings about being single. I’m going to say it, I hate being single. I know it’s not cool to say, but I want someone special in my life to share it with. Yes, there was a lot of eye candy at the bar tonight, but I don’t want the trappings of the ‘west hollywood’ lifestyle. At the end of everything, all I really want is a hand to hold. I don’t need, nor want, the Hollywood ideal, but someone I like, who likes me and wants to become a part of my life, as well as make me a part of his. Has this become such an impossible goal? With all the open relationships and what not, it seems like it. I believe in monogamy, I don’t care if there are those who say it isn’t natural, I still believe in it for me. It’s an issue of trust and care and the sacrifice one needs to make for the one they love. No, this isn’t a match.com profile, nor is it a personal ad of any kind. This is just some mental junk that’s been rattling in my brain for far too long. Just had to unburden myself.

Thank you.