That seems a bit harsh, I realize, but so far, it’s true. I mean, I know technically it’s still January, but in these final two days of the month, things are getting kind of shitty. First, no job leads all month. Lots of resumes, just no responses. Still no UI benefits. No big surprise there, but it still annoys me. I just got a 2 star review of Spectrum which called it ‘slow’ and again the review claimed the main character was dim, but I’m still not seeing it. I don’t know where he comes off dumb, but whatever. I’m just upset that the 2 star thing brings my average rating down from a solid four stars to 3 and a quarter. That does not make me happy. My checking account is dwindling to nothing and the financial help I have secured will barely be enough because I’m getting slammed with my phone bill, car registration and rent all in one weekend, and after all that is done I have no idea what I’m going to do. My book sales have dried up and I’m still not figuring out how to crack into the mainstream media. I just can’t seem to get that door to open. The roofing people who were doing work in the unit below me left a couple large pieces of equipment in my living room and it’s been a week and they still haven’t come to take them back. I’m trying not to let these things bug me because I believe in positivity attracting more positivity and I refuse to fall into the negativity net trap of the universe, but it’s hard not to when there’s just nothing good going on. No money. No job. No love. Just nothing. If my life were a movie, this would be the point just before the first big twist, but life isn’t a movie and my life seems to be an endless first act of a rom com. I’m wondering how long I have to suffer in this sphere of hell until I am granted passage up to the next level. You know, where I get to have the life I want. Here’s how I see it. I either have a great job I love or my writing takes off and is generating a good source of income so every morning I get up and get dressed up in some nice little ensemble and head out to either the office or a series of meetings with agents and publishers or movie execs. People respect me and I feel assured that my work is looked upon with value. I’m also seeing a great guy who loves to spend time with me. No games. No hang ups. We’re just two people who just enjoy each others company whether we’re going to a museum opening or just catching a cheesy horror film at the multiplex. Someone I can go to a fancy restaurant with as easily as a simple burger joint. When I go out shopping and I see something I want, I don’t have to soul search and pull up all my financials to see if I can afford to blow twenty bucks. I want to be where it seems everyone else is at. I want to start living my life instead of sitting here waiting for it to get started. I feel like I’ve been stuck on the bench for too long already and any longer it will be too late. There are people just out of college with more on their resume than I will ever have. I’m not prepared to be put out to pasture already. I don’t think I ever got my time in the meadow to begin with, and that’s not fair.
I believe everyone has a shot at that big win, but whether they take it or not decides their fate. All the sad unhappy people who drag themselves through their lives are the ones who blew it. The happy ones are the ones who saw the chance, took it and milked it for all it was worth. I’m just afraid my chance has already come, but I didn’t see it and now I’m just marking time with the foolish idea that I can rise above all of this, but instead I seem to just keep sinking lower and lower. I’m just going to keep sinking until I’m some stooped over old man, alone in some low income apartment building on the bad side of town who takes the bus everyday just to go to the grocery store and back just to do something. I am afraid of my future because I have no idea what it’s going to be, but if you asked me where it was headed and based on the evidence of my life so far, it’s not shaping up too great. I don’t want this. I reject all of this. I don’t want this life anymore. I just need the wind to change direction and I know it can all turn around, but it just won’t do it.
Wow. I really went off topic there, didn’t I? Ah, blogging. The next best thing to therapy. If you have read this and feel like helping out a little, I guess it would be nice if you could all run on over to Amazon.com and look up Spectrum by Jason K Melby and leave a good review. Lie if you have to. I’m not so proud. Just a few five or four stars would be great.