Oh, The Single Life

I have a little wake up call for the single gay men of Los Angeles because as I’ve been observing for the past (censored) years, one thing in the singles scene has never changed. You guys are f@*#’d up! I’m sorry, but as I patrol the usual dating/meeting sites (never dating out of that bar again. Hand to God.) I notice that it’s pretty much the same crop of local singles as I saw about 3 years ago. This game is no big deal on sites like Adam4adam because that site isn’t really for ‘dating’ in the conventional sense, but OkCupid and Plenty Of Fish seem to be falling into the same pattern.

I see the issue as about two major problems. First, all you beautiful men with the abs and  pecs and perfect bodies need to realize that you’re not going to be like that forever. The day will come when all that perfection collapses and you’re going to be old men just like the rest of us. I’ll take this arrow out of your quiver right away. I’m jealous. I realize that. I wish I had a body that made me comfortable to be naked in front of people. I work out and try to eat right, but I just can’t seem to make it happen, so when you guys say you want a guy who takes care of himself, you should realize that there are those who do take care of themselves but still have not reached the same impressive results you have. You need to start looking beneath the surface and open yourselves up to the possibilities. Do you want a man who will let you wash your clothes on his abs, or a man who will be there for you when times get tough? You say you don’t need anyone? You say you can take care of your own? Great. However, even the strongest of us must at some point admit that we do need someone to help, if only to be there to offer a kind word or a soft touch. The measure of a man isn’t under his clothes, but under his skin. It’s time for some of you gym bunnies to grow the f#*# up.

The second problem is that it seems everyone in this city thinks they are so great, that no one is good enough for them. It seems like everyone is holding out for that cute, young ripped stud with the killer eyes, sweet smile and super exciting life to sweep in and change their lives. That poor guy. He’s got a lot of work ahead of him. Now I realize a lot of you guys out there feel you deserve nothing less than the best and you have vowed never to settle and I applaud you. I agree. I mean, if I was up for settling, I’d be in a wonderful sexless marriage right now, but I believe there’s someone out there for me that can make my heart race, and I know this because I’ve found a few people who did that already. My exes. None of them were muscular. None of them will appear on the cover of GQ, but I loved them and in some cases, I’d take them back in a heartbeat. I just think the millions of Cinderellas out there need to wake up and realize that Prince Charming isn’t going to be coming in the package you expect him to. By placing yourself on this pedestal, you’re putting yourself out of reach of some really good men. You want perfect? Who doesn’t? But let’s face it, it doesn’t exist. I’m not saying you HAVE to settle for some schlub, but I am advising you to open your eyes a little wider. Open your heart a little deeper. You’d be surprised. So he has a bald spot. His eyes are still killer and he treats you like royalty. So he’s got a little padding around the middle. He’s warm and cuddles like no one else can. I’m seeing a lot of single men out there running around the maze and for some reason, no one is making connections. There’s no reason for that.

There are other issues of course. Off the top of my head this whole FWB movement lately. Friends with benefits is NOT, I repeat NOT, a real thing! It’s just a transparent excuse for men to get their rocks off and act like it’s not just hooking up. I mean, if you have an FWB, do you honestly hang out and do ‘friend’ things? I’m guessing no. When was the last time you and your FWB did anything other than sex? It’s a cop out, plain and simple. I’m also having an issue with these guys on the DL. I mean, come on! It’s 2014! If you’re gay, you’re gay. Straight men don’t have sex with men. Once they do, they are not straight. It’s time for all you guys to come out and at least admit to being bisexual. And cut it out with cheating on your significant others. If you don’t want to commit to the person you’re dating, break it off. It’s not fair to them. They clearly want to commit to you, but if you don’t feel the same way, you owe it to them to be honest so that they can go and find someone who can give them what they want. Or you can start being the one they want, but you need to man up and make the sacrifices you need to make that happen.  And don’t use youth or ‘questioning’ as an excuse either. You’re just some horny brats who want to get off.  You know what you’re doing.

Another minor issue is all the couples out there trolling for a third to add to their bed. Really? You already have a man but you still need all the singles too? I’ve never understood this. I mean, if your boyfriend is so amazing and gorgeous, why are you looking for company online? You have an amazing gorgeous guy right there. It just transmits to me that you aren’t totally happy with your relationship but you don’t want to end it. Maybe the third person you should be talking to is a therapist so that you and your partner can communicate and really get down to why you feel the need to ‘spice up’ your sex lives. I get that some couples have fun adding a third and that’s okay, but I’m seeing more and more partnered men on the singles sites. Maybe you all should have a separate place to go for this stuff. I’m just working on getting my own bf.

And now this isn’t an issue, but this does kind of irk me. What is with all the guys from the east coast? I mean, I think 9 out of 10 profiles I read are from guys who are east coast transplants. And is everyone running marathons these days? It seems like I keep reading the same profile over and over. From the east coast. Traveled the world. Runs marathons. Was there a movement I missed out on or something?

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