Frustration

Now that I’m without a net (Thanks a heap state of CA. YOU SUCK EDD!!!) I am in need of a source of income ASAP. So I need to accomplish in the immediate future what I haven’t been able to over the past year. Find a job. People have said the market has been improving, but I’m not seeing it. I have a college degree and a lot of experience with a lot of different skills, but despite all that, there just aren’t that many jobs available. Every day I check the boards and find nothing. What few jobs I find that are within my scope, I send out my application/resume but days drag by and every day that phone doesn’t ring, I get closer to a totally uncertain future. I’m just at that point where I don’t know what to do. I feel like tearing my hair out sometimes. I feel like my hands are tied and my whole world is on shaky ground. I need work and I need it now. I don’t have time to wait any longer. I know I’m not the only one in this boat, but just the same. Sometimes I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like my life is coming apart at the seams. It puts a lot more  pressure on the success of my upcoming book. I’m reminded that the book is coming out in November and that’s great, but what am I going to do between now and then? What if it flops? I mean, I hope it doesn’t, but it’s a possibility. And even if it’s a smash hit(Hoping) that doesn’t do any good to me now. I can’t pay my rent with future earnings. I’ve even started to sell stuff on Etsy. I make earrings. A friend of mine sells his stuff on Etsy and he does great. I don’t try to do it on the scale he does it, I just need a little extra income. Maybe if I do well with it I might expand, but that’s too far away to worry about now.

I just go to bed every night with all this stress, but despite that, I try to convince myself that the next day will be better, but so far I have been wrong. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I think the worst of it is how much I hate feeling like I can’t support myself or manage my own life. I feel like less of a man, to be honest. I hate everything about this situation I’m in. And I hate the fact that I can’t really do anything to change it. All I can do is work through it and keep pushing forward. But for how much longer?

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