Breakdown

I apologize in advance of this posting. I also offer this warning. There is a good chance this thing won’t make any sense to anyone out there. It could prove to be disjointed and random. I just want to exploit this moment of clarity before I delve into my breaking psychosis.

Begin.

I am frustrated. I am angry. I am sad. I am so lost in my mind I can’t tell which way is up anymore. For frame of reference, a little background. First, I’ve been dating a guy for over a year now, but lately I have not heard from him in over 2 and a half months. It is understood that he has an extremely demanding job and it’s  not unusual to not see him for weeks at a stretch, but I find it hard to believe that he has been so busy this past month and a half that he’s been unable to respond to a single text message from me. We’ve been together for a significant amount of time and we’ve even moved into the ‘I love you’ stage, but for all of that, I’m still at a loss to how he really feels about me. I see other couples around and I see what I want. I want a guy, a nice, attractive guy who thinks I’m nice and attractive too. I want someone who loves to spend time with me even if we do nothing exciting.  I’m not the kind of person other people describe as ‘fun’. I’m not the kind of person people gravitate toward. I might be if anyone ever took the time to get to know me. I’m not some splashy dude who draws people in with a single look. I’m more complex than that and liking me, I admit, requires work. This guy I’m with has me all flustered. I do love him and I am totally, nutsy coo-coo over him and he’s led me to believe that he feels the same way about me, he’s just more focused on his career and I respect that. I kind of am too, unfortunately my career evolution takes a lot longer than his. I think sometimes that he’s just playing me and he’s really running around behind my back, but if he really were cheating on me with someone else, why wouldn’t he just dump me? If he doesn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t. Of course, as of now, he’s not with me, technically. Why is it so easy for so many other people? Why has human interaction always confounded me? I’m not a bad person. In fact, a lot of people would tell you I’m very nice, sweet and accommodating. I sit in that bar and watch as people pass over me without even trying to find out what’s under the surface. I know I could go to them and show them, but the fact is I’m not going to do that. I know me. One problem I guess is I push away guys who are interested in me if I’m not attracted to them. I bitch about  how everyone is so shallow and everyone wants a handsome, well built guy, but when I long for attention I look for a handsome, well built guy. I guess I’m as bad as everyone else. I can’t help it. If you could see the kinds of men I naturally attract, you would see my problem more clearly. I’m not bad looking either, I don’t think, and I’ve always believed in like attracts like, but if I’m right, then judging by the guys I do attract, I might be a hot mess. My available dating pool is less than ideal. I just would like someone great to come into my life and make me excited again.

I feel kind of like a superhero right now. Not a Superman type, but more like a Spiderman hero. I’m juggling a lot of things and facing challenges that very few could relate to. I’m fighting against the ceaseless currents of the world and right now, I’m down and I feel like this is the lowest I’ve ever been. I feel like I’m barely holding on but somehow I am and the obstinate voice in my head urges me to carry on and I try to smile but the tears in my eyes demand attention as well. I just wish there was a way I could walk through a door to a whole new life far away from everything. A chance to restart from scratch because I’m not sure how much longer I can work with this. How much longer can I dream and work to achieve that dream?

 I always thought all the broken people you see in their cars in morning traffic are all people who at some  point in their lives gave up their dream because they reached some point where they felt dreaming was a waste of time and decided to trade in their passion for a job that has slowly eaten away their souls and turned them into joyless husks who just get up and do their day to day simply because it’s either that or lie down in their grave.

I’m tired of getting to these points. I’m tired of still having to go through this mood. I feel like if I knew how, I could be successful right now. I could have the house and car and everything. I could have a life. I could stop being this walking, talking joke and show the world I’m real and I would be someone people want to know. I’d be someone whom someone else would want to love.

I’m standing in the middle of an intersection and there are cars coming at me from all sides. I’m sure I’m not the only person in this situation or feels this alone, and I sympathize with all who are out there on the edge with me. It just feels like I’m the only one and I feel so tired. I have tried as best I could to do what I had to in order to become who I want to be, but I just haven’t been blessed with the cooperation of the universe.

My second point of frustration is money. My rent is due in a couple weeks and I’m still waiting to hear about my unemployment benefit papers.  I’m going on 5 weeks and I’m worried because that’s all the money I have coming in right now. It seems everyone around me has money and I’m just floating along in this void. Everyone else is productive and valuable and I’m just a do-nothing digit in the grand scheme of things that has convinced himself that somehow he’s special. Constantly waiting for that day where everything will fit together. Why couldn’t I have followed the safe path that millions of others took? I saw some kids this past weekend at Target with a cart stuffed full of groceries and they were talking about how they had ordered a new fridge. They were all no older than 22. How the hell did they get that kind of money? I know it’s not healthy to compare yourself to others, but somedays I can’t help it. I’m just tired of being in need. I’m tired of being on the bottom of everything.

I just feel so much pressure coming down on me from all sides I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Every week I pray that things will improve but it just seems to keep getting worse. The only light at the end of my tunnel is November 5th when my book drops, but I’m not so sure that’s going to happen since I haven’t heard from the publisher in months. It has to happen this time. I have waited so long and there have been so many blind alleys in the past. The biggest problem there is actually waiting for November 5th.

The amount of stress I’m under right now is infuriating. I’m just so sick of going through this all the time. How much longer until I finally find a place where I can be  happy? How much longer must I feel like some kind of sub-human destined to fail time after time?

I think I got it all out. If you’ve managed to get through this, congratulations and thanks for taking the tour of my fractured psyche. I hope I didn’t cause any permanent damage. As I said before, this posting is a hot mess and was really just me riffing free form. Don’t judge me singularly on this. I just had to  get this out.

 

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