I saw a story on the news about workers striking for higher wages. This issue has bugged me for so long now. Worker wages have stayed rock bottom for decades while executive pay has skyrocketed along with corporate profits. Does this picture make sense to anyone? Not me. There are three components to this equation. Two of the three are doing well, while the last one seems to carry the burden. The little guys are killing the backs and wrecking their health for pennies while the fat cats sit behind their desks and grow fatter and are treated like royalty.

I think the call for a higher minimum wage is reasonable. And why can’t the businesses pay? They’re doing a lot better than they say they are. You just have to dig and see the real numbers they’re reporting. The army of execs in their corporate offices are making millions. I say, cut their pay and put that to raises for the workforce. You know, those meaningless cogs that actually do the work that makes you your money. You can have the smartest CEO in the world with the finest training and best ideas in the industry, but if you don’t have ground support to actually generate the income, that CEO isn’t worth spit. Wal-Mart for instance. The execs make a kings fortune every year while their employees slave away in part time hell. They make so little they still need to use food stamp programs to survive. You’re telling me they couldn’t shave a smidgen off the top VP’s salary to afford raises for the people who keep their stores open and running smoothly day in and day out? Is some exec who makes 3 million really going to bitch because his paycheck shrunk by $500? He’s still making more than 90% of the country. Once you pass the seven figure mark on your paycheck, you have no reason to complain about any cuts to pay. If you can’t survive on less than 3 million, you’ve got bigger problems.

I think I mentioned this once before somewhere. I just think if people earned more for their time, they’d be happier at work and do a better job and therefore could increase revenue for the business. It just seems so easy and so simple, yet the 1%  people are so friggin’ greedy and selfish they can’t stand the thought of anyone doing as well as them. They want to be the rich kids on the block, but what good is being rich when the economy has completely deflated?

I remember growing up in the 80’s and the middle class was so strong and because of that so was our economy and our country. Now we have this massive gap between the haves and have nots and it just feels like everything is going to hell. People are just concerned with getting theirs and fail to see that kind of thinking is self-destructive. Our economy is designed in such a way that the success of others can actually benefit you. The stronger we all are, the stronger you will be. The time for greed and selfishness is over. We’re coming to a flashpoint and unless those who have the most change their thinking, we could be in for some real trouble.

Been awhile.

Wow. It’s been a while since I posted anything. I guess that’s due to how distracted I’ve been. It seems my unemployment insurance has been halted and for the last few weeks I’ve been stressing about what to do. I was led to believe by all the letters I had received up until now that I had at least four extensions, but it seems the government in  their infinite wisdom has decided to throw me to the wolves. It’s a very scary feeling. Working without a net. Everytime I whip out my card to pay for food or gas, I remember how there won’t be any new money coming in. It’s all going out. I’ve gone on financial lockdown.  Cutting corners at every turn. What really makes me mad was not entering a screenplay contest that I was actually pretty excited about entering, but I can’t afford the entry fee. One would argue it would be like betting on yourself to win, and while I appreciate that, I’m not quite that confident yet. Although, it would have been great. I adapted “Spectrum” into a movie and since the contest was specifically for movies with a  gay/lesbian slant, I think it might have done well.

As for the bigger issue of the lack of income, there was some good news. I did secure a  job interview this very week and I think it went well. I’m anxiously awaiting the call for interview #2. That turns out to be even more nerve racking. Every hour, every minute, that ticks by I can’t help but wonder why they aren’t calling. I was confident and well spoken and I did well on the typing test. They have to call back. They have to. I don’t know what I’m going to do if they don’t. I  shot out some other resumes just this morning. This is just so frustrating. It feels like no matter  how many resumes I do send out, it won’t matter. There are just too many people out there in this job market. The competition is just too much for me. I’m just one drop of water standing amongst  tidal wave.

I also have the idea of selling jewelry on Etsy. I’ve been looking into it and I can make simple stud earrings and maybe clear a few bucks, if I’m lucky. I’m starting to think the days of traditional employment are over and that scares me too. It’s all I know, but I guess it’s time to evolve. If I had the money, I’d go back to school, but even with financial aid, it’s way too expensive for me to do that.

Although, as stressed and depressed as I’ve been for the past few weeks, I find right now as I write this, there’s an indefinable optimism bubbling inside of me. I have no idea why, but that little voice in me is saying it’s going to  be all right. Somehow, someway, it’s all going to work out. I have no idea how, but I’m grateful for the brief moment of positivity.


I apologize in advance of this posting. I also offer this warning. There is a good chance this thing won’t make any sense to anyone out there. It could prove to be disjointed and random. I just want to exploit this moment of clarity before I delve into my breaking psychosis.


I am frustrated. I am angry. I am sad. I am so lost in my mind I can’t tell which way is up anymore. For frame of reference, a little background. First, I’ve been dating a guy for over a year now, but lately I have not heard from him in over 2 and a half months. It is understood that he has an extremely demanding job and it’s  not unusual to not see him for weeks at a stretch, but I find it hard to believe that he has been so busy this past month and a half that he’s been unable to respond to a single text message from me. We’ve been together for a significant amount of time and we’ve even moved into the ‘I love you’ stage, but for all of that, I’m still at a loss to how he really feels about me. I see other couples around and I see what I want. I want a guy, a nice, attractive guy who thinks I’m nice and attractive too. I want someone who loves to spend time with me even if we do nothing exciting.  I’m not the kind of person other people describe as ‘fun’. I’m not the kind of person people gravitate toward. I might be if anyone ever took the time to get to know me. I’m not some splashy dude who draws people in with a single look. I’m more complex than that and liking me, I admit, requires work. This guy I’m with has me all flustered. I do love him and I am totally, nutsy coo-coo over him and he’s led me to believe that he feels the same way about me, he’s just more focused on his career and I respect that. I kind of am too, unfortunately my career evolution takes a lot longer than his. I think sometimes that he’s just playing me and he’s really running around behind my back, but if he really were cheating on me with someone else, why wouldn’t he just dump me? If he doesn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t. Of course, as of now, he’s not with me, technically. Why is it so easy for so many other people? Why has human interaction always confounded me? I’m not a bad person. In fact, a lot of people would tell you I’m very nice, sweet and accommodating. I sit in that bar and watch as people pass over me without even trying to find out what’s under the surface. I know I could go to them and show them, but the fact is I’m not going to do that. I know me. One problem I guess is I push away guys who are interested in me if I’m not attracted to them. I bitch about  how everyone is so shallow and everyone wants a handsome, well built guy, but when I long for attention I look for a handsome, well built guy. I guess I’m as bad as everyone else. I can’t help it. If you could see the kinds of men I naturally attract, you would see my problem more clearly. I’m not bad looking either, I don’t think, and I’ve always believed in like attracts like, but if I’m right, then judging by the guys I do attract, I might be a hot mess. My available dating pool is less than ideal. I just would like someone great to come into my life and make me excited again.

I feel kind of like a superhero right now. Not a Superman type, but more like a Spiderman hero. I’m juggling a lot of things and facing challenges that very few could relate to. I’m fighting against the ceaseless currents of the world and right now, I’m down and I feel like this is the lowest I’ve ever been. I feel like I’m barely holding on but somehow I am and the obstinate voice in my head urges me to carry on and I try to smile but the tears in my eyes demand attention as well. I just wish there was a way I could walk through a door to a whole new life far away from everything. A chance to restart from scratch because I’m not sure how much longer I can work with this. How much longer can I dream and work to achieve that dream?

 I always thought all the broken people you see in their cars in morning traffic are all people who at some  point in their lives gave up their dream because they reached some point where they felt dreaming was a waste of time and decided to trade in their passion for a job that has slowly eaten away their souls and turned them into joyless husks who just get up and do their day to day simply because it’s either that or lie down in their grave.

I’m tired of getting to these points. I’m tired of still having to go through this mood. I feel like if I knew how, I could be successful right now. I could have the house and car and everything. I could have a life. I could stop being this walking, talking joke and show the world I’m real and I would be someone people want to know. I’d be someone whom someone else would want to love.

I’m standing in the middle of an intersection and there are cars coming at me from all sides. I’m sure I’m not the only person in this situation or feels this alone, and I sympathize with all who are out there on the edge with me. It just feels like I’m the only one and I feel so tired. I have tried as best I could to do what I had to in order to become who I want to be, but I just haven’t been blessed with the cooperation of the universe.

My second point of frustration is money. My rent is due in a couple weeks and I’m still waiting to hear about my unemployment benefit papers.  I’m going on 5 weeks and I’m worried because that’s all the money I have coming in right now. It seems everyone around me has money and I’m just floating along in this void. Everyone else is productive and valuable and I’m just a do-nothing digit in the grand scheme of things that has convinced himself that somehow he’s special. Constantly waiting for that day where everything will fit together. Why couldn’t I have followed the safe path that millions of others took? I saw some kids this past weekend at Target with a cart stuffed full of groceries and they were talking about how they had ordered a new fridge. They were all no older than 22. How the hell did they get that kind of money? I know it’s not healthy to compare yourself to others, but somedays I can’t help it. I’m just tired of being in need. I’m tired of being on the bottom of everything.

I just feel so much pressure coming down on me from all sides I don’t know where to turn or what to do. Every week I pray that things will improve but it just seems to keep getting worse. The only light at the end of my tunnel is November 5th when my book drops, but I’m not so sure that’s going to happen since I haven’t heard from the publisher in months. It has to happen this time. I have waited so long and there have been so many blind alleys in the past. The biggest problem there is actually waiting for November 5th.

The amount of stress I’m under right now is infuriating. I’m just so sick of going through this all the time. How much longer until I finally find a place where I can be  happy? How much longer must I feel like some kind of sub-human destined to fail time after time?

I think I got it all out. If you’ve managed to get through this, congratulations and thanks for taking the tour of my fractured psyche. I hope I didn’t cause any permanent damage. As I said before, this posting is a hot mess and was really just me riffing free form. Don’t judge me singularly on this. I just had to  get this out.


One’s Worth

I was up last night and unfortunately I was thinking. I was thinking about my life and my path and where I am versus where I could be and out of all that big thinking I began to wonder why we as a society place the value of what we do with our lives on the money we receive to do it. Some of the highest paid people out there do horrible things while the lowest do work that brings us all up as people. I mean, I’m doing what I want with my life, but I feel worthless because I have no steady income. I’ve been looking for work for over a year now and I guess getting a job filing  papers will make me feel better about myself than finishing a 30+ chapter book or new script simply because there’s a check in it for me. It’s something we’re conditioned with, I guess, because I really do feel completely worthless without a job to go to. Everyone else goes out and takes on their role as a productive member of society and I’m stuck at home doing my writing, or at least I try. This week has been real bad for me.

This was just something that ran into my brain and forced me to write it out.

Spotlight: Machine


I realize it’s been a while since I have posted. I guess I just didn’t have much to say lately, or rather it could be the slight bout of depression I’ve been  under lately. (life and stuff, you know?) But I’m back and I’d like to throw the spotlight on my novel “Machine”. Or maybe it’s a novella. It’s pretty short. Anyway, I had the idea for this story years ago. I wanted a story where the main character had no dialogue, but was a key point of the story, obviously as it was the main character. I had the vision of the book cover in my brain, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to make that a reality. It was my first stab at ‘hard’ sci-fi and to be honest, I’m a little dubious as to the outcome. I had buried it for years until now and when I went finished it, I went through it over and over trying to find ways to strengthen it and beef it up, but I honestly felt I had expressed the story I had wanted to tell. It just felt kind of undone, but for the life of me, I couldn’t pull out anymore story. Maybe if I had taken some more time I could, but I was satisfied with what I had made. It’s a story about technology gone mad and how our society becomes so dependent upon it, despite the damage to the environment it incurs. However, I don’t go offering easy answers as I feel while technology is a problem, the way we worship it as a god and fail to limit ourselves to only what we need is as much of a problem. I guess it’s also my first stab at a political and philosophical study too. Some may read it and find it simple-minded perhaps, but that’s fine. It’s one of those stories I have that I felt more than thought of. I still think it was a pretty good story. The last part may seem uneven. I got a little caught up in the supporting story, but again, I was feeling my way through it and that’s what I felt. Check it out if you have a chance.


ISBN: 1490488146



Why do I do this? Why the seemingly insane quest for success in my writing? I really don’t know. There are some times I think it’s because I know I’m supposed to be somewhere that I’m not. Many years ago, I won a screenwriting contest. That’s right, I actually won. The problem was I wasn’t notified for about three months after the fact. In fact, I found out by googling the title of my winning script (which in all honesty, wasn’t my best work). I talked to them and I got the screenwriting software that was one part of the prize, but I didn’t get the meeting with the Hollywood insiders, which had been the other.

I hadn’t thought about that incident for a long time until one day I was wondering why I feel so desperate to publish something or produce something. To do something that becomes recognized by the world at large. I began to think about what might have happened if I had gotten that meeting. A chance to finally touch that world and be acknowledged for my talents at long last. Nothing but dreams now. What ifs and might have beens.

It becomes more frustrating these days especially when it seems like the lives of nearly everyone around me seem to be improving and getting better, while mine remains stagnant. One friend gets a raise while another has success with his mail order business. Meanwhile I’m sitting on my ass day after day looking for a job and writing books and scripts no one will ever read. Languishing in this little corner of hell for who knows how long. Now, for the record, I’m not complaining. I’m venting. (Don’t you love how we can complain and call it ‘venting’?)

I just wish I had some other talent. If I were an actor, I could go out and audition. If I were a painter, I could paint. As a photographer I could take pictures and display them online. If I were a singer I could make videos for Youtube. Any other profession, I could go out and do something proactive and make this dream come true. As a writer I spend months, sometimes years, writing something and then I spend even longer trying to get it seen. No one reads anymore so books are almost pointless these days, and everyone and their nephew  is a screenwriter and it seems the older you get, the less people want to read what you have. The world thinks you’re not edgy or smart enough. I just can’t take feeling trapped like this. I have nothing to do but wait until November when my book comes out and then pray that a door is opened. If it comes out at all. I haven’t heard from the publisher in months so I’m going completely on faith that everything is still on track, but I have a very bad feeling I’m in for a nasty surprise four months from now. Praying I’m wrong, but it’s not the first time I’ve been led down the primrose path of accomplishment. I have gotten so close so many times and something always manages to sneak in and queer the deal.

Sorry this post is so down. I’m just feeling the need to unburden this negativity out of my mind. Sometimes it helps to share the pain. If only to find a sympathetic ear at the very least.